How to Faff

This man is a faffer.

Faffing is the practise of hoovering time with pointless mini actions just as people are about to leave the house/proceed with a planned activity/board a train/chew gum.

Task oriented progress is the faffer’s enemy. He or she must obstruct it.

Whilst no one who can stick rigidly to guidelines could ever be described as a fully-fledged faffer, the following should provide a useful starting point:


1. Adopt the body language of a faffer.

Subtly speed up your eye movements and generally dance your own internal jitterbug.

Think meerkat lacking biological imperative.

If society sees you as a faffer, it will help you become a faffer

2. Any time you are about to leave the house, do not allow the lack of beard and Alpine romper suit prevent you from performing an intricate Bavarian thigh slapping routine as you search for your money/keys/toothpicks.

The longest journey starts with the first slap.

3. Things should never be at hand.

Embrace multi-compartmented clothing and accessories. These will optimise your scope for faffing as, instead of one easy to reach container for your daily necessities, you will be able to disperse them in as wide an area as possible.

Ladies – purchase capacious, concertina-style handbags to ensure your mobile need never be answered again.

Gents – go for a multi zipped leather jacket in the style of Sid Snot to maximise cash card misplacement.

4. Develop self-questioning about the most mundane and unlikely domestic occurrences.

You should not be able to leave the house without considering the possibility the bathroom has non-colour-coordinated toilet roll.

5. Choice is your faffable friend

Although the Eskimos do not have a ludicrous amount of words for snow, you need to believe they do.

Place yourself in situations, preferably in a group, where, instead of the choice of tea or coffee, you have a variety of herbal flavours and brewing styles. This maximises faffing potential.

Ask the barista questions about milk temperature/Styrofoam rigidity/teaspoon bending to optimise queue-holding time.

Warning!!!

NEVER HAVE YOUR CHANGE READY!!!

This will betray the existence of a mind that still contains task-oriented thoughts. Nothing will more single you out as an amateur.

6. Change your conversational style to reflect your new muddled mindset.

Never give absolute answers and interject plenty of “ers”, “you knows” and general “ums” into your sentences.

Your opening refrain should always be “Well, you see….”

If you don’t think it’s possible to faff in speech, tune into the BBC and watch the joke monologues of Ronnie Corbett or the interviews conducted by Garth Crooks.

These men are legends.

Study them.

7. Stay away from fellow faffers.

Faffing can become competitive and, when surrounded by Alpha-faffers, it is easy to revert to a linear thought process.

In these circumstances, you can find yourself issuing statements of intent and starting sentences with “Look, I think we should….”

Be warned: This is not the way sideways.

8. When selecting a mate, choose one who is organised.

Your goal should be the anti-faffer.

You will need someone who likes wall charts and calendars, not someone who deliberates over a can of beans.

This optimises your sex life.

Trust me.

If you are still not convinced, try to imagine the open Kama Sutra on the bed of Frank Spencer and Mavis Riley.

9. Choose your career and hobbies wisely as not all arenas are conducive to faffing.

Please, please stay away from the world of medicine.

Photo-journalism is another no-no.

Far better is physical labour with its endless potential for arm stretching work avoidance. Or maybe become a librarian and faff about deciding which books to archive and which date-stamp to re-ink.

10. Writing a good activity for a faffer as, in the name of research, you can faff on the internet, stumble across sites such as http://www.wikihow.com/, and then suddenly become distracted from your project and write less important, but probably more self knowing, pieces.

YOU WILL NEED:

Essential:
Patient friends
An over active imagination
A thick skin.

Useful:
Selective hearing.
The love of accessories
The love of God


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WARNING!!!

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WARNING!!!

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We Need a Hero

This month sees the publication of Lord Stevens’ investigation into the death of Princess Diana and the release of Clint Eastwood’s Flags of Our Fathers, a film detailing the stories of the six men who raised the flag at the fall of Iwo Jima, a key point in the latter stages of the Second World War

The photograph of six American soldiers and Diana’s tragic death have, in some quarters, been mythologised. The bright light theory, a suggestion that a single figure beamed a distracting light into the eyes of Diana’s driver and the reluctance of the American public to hear the life stories of the six men illustrate the power of the symbol over the individual.

Like Alvy Singer in Annie Hall, we occasionally use conspiracy theories and unquestioning belief systems to mask problems in our personal lives and to create narratives that are more convenient to our worldview.

When an icon dies, we, the ones distanced from the event, sometimes refuse to accept that driver was over the limit and trying to hold a line impossible for veterans of Grand Prix.

When we see soldiers braving tortuous battlefields we frame the combat arena with our own projections, forgetting that they fight not for flags but for friends.

We create heroes.

Joseph Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Carl Jung and The New Testament all tell us that hero shows us how to live. According to Jung, the archetypes in a typical narrative resonate because they are part of the collective subconscious. Myths show the hero embarking on a quest, usually after surviving a difficult, commonly orphaned, childhood, and having the kind of visions lesser, rational mortals associate with tight straps and bite down rubber.

After studying the severely mentally damaged, Paul Broks, a clinical neuropsychologist, believes the human brain is a storytelling machine and the self is a story. If true, that may illuminate why we need heroes.

He also describes himself as a vacant soulless machine, which, at first, seems to contradict the notion the self is a story. However, stories which attempt to portray a heroic journey without the required grasp of what makes for an identifiable talisman, may illustrate the compatibility of Broks’ two comments.

Hideous Kinky, Gilles Mac Kinnon’s 1996 adaptation of a novel by Esther Freud, posits the scenario that Julia, a young mother of two, is in Marrakesh, embarking on a journey. It is not one driven by paradox or conflict but on a desire to seek “the complete annihilation of the ego”.

The drive, formed in the back-story, is akin to watching the opening scene of an early Macaulay Culkin film and seeing his character, diaper deep in Chad Valley plastic, proclaim, “I am the Son of God”

Her call to adventure comes from within. Her obstacles include stanza formation for a tricky poetry anthology and the theft of her laundry, although that is a disturbing scene featuring a small community decked in loud, silky pantaloons, obviously waiting for the coming of Mc Hammer.

The film downs most narrative tools and her journey is not only passive, it threatens the development of her children. It quickly becomes a highly annoying experience.

In terms of identification, there is a danger of gender bias as most cultures define a hero as a warrior figure but, in narratives such as Iris, Jane Eyre and Secrets and Lies, audiences connect and feel in the presence of a hero.

Hideous Kinky depicts a journey to annihilate the ego but simply succeeds in destroying the hero. Were she to die, there would be no subsequent bright light theory.

It is selfish and it is seemingly unnecessary. It is personal, not universal. By omission, it creates audience frustration, and that illustrates the power of narrative. We feel dissatisfied by a poorly executed tale.

In the case of Diana, we create story and myth where none exists. She must be a vacant soulless machine to receive the projections of our hopes but she must not be mortal.

When tragedies, real or fictional, appear pointless, it reminds us of the misery of feeling disconnected and exposed to the chaotic nature of the world, one in which beautiful die horribly, (but not in mysterious circumstances) and soldiers fight so they can live to share a beer with the person on the front line, not so they can become a historic symbol.

Proud Lions Return To The Wild

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - After nearly four weeks of thrilling sporting conflict in the Asian games, Yehya Mehal, the coach of The Lions of Mesopotamia, Iraq's football team, expressed relief that he has returned to the comforts of his own unlit home.

He said “The pressure was too much and referees can be very unpredictable”, adding, as he filled a water bucket, it was disturbing to play in a country that has a monarchy and has not yet made sweeping democratic advances.

Gunshots had been heard throughout Iraq as the unified nation watched the Lions progress to the gold-medal match. They were narrowly beaten 1-0 by hosts Qatar.

The side greatly surpassed expectations. It had been blighted by injury problems such as groin strains, metatarsal fracture and cornea tissue damaged by shards of windscreen.

Preparations were also marred when they lost their Head of Medicine to a kidnapping but worse followed when they lost their Pilates Instructor to Bolton Wanderers.

“I was so incensed I was shaking with anger” said Mehal

When asked how he coped with the setbacks, Mehal shrugged: “The success is purely down to the lads. Usually when I coach, my voice is drowned out by F-16s so I was not used to the atmosphere in Qatar. I simply played on their pride and said - Remember where you are right now. And remember where you will go back to”

After such a stirring tournament, thoughts in some fortified areas are already turning to Guangzhou in 2012 but Mehal is reluctant to engage: “Like any international coach, I might not be able to pick the same players and, also, I may retire. At home, I feel comfortable and triumphant every time I survive the day. Nothing in football matches that”