Round up of the GUKPT - Leg 4

There has been plenty of activity in Manchester over the last few days: Ferguson’s United win a semi final against Barcelona whilst playing like Liverpool; Eriksson’s City reach 9th place whilst playing like a football side (and the manager is probably rewarded with the sack); and Marc Goodwin has won the 4th leg of the 2008 Grosvenor UK Poker Tour.

The final 9 featured the usual smattering of circuit pros and online qualifiers, but Charles Ilhe took time off from his job as a kitchen designer to sit at the table and craft a 4th place finish. Runner up was Nik Persuad, who made it three final tables from four and now sits atop the tour’s leader board. At the end of the season, the player with the most ranking points can take home a tasty £10,000 chunk of change.

However, it was definitely Goodwin’s tournament. Known as ‘Mr Cool’, he wasted no time dominating the £1000 event as he hit the front on Day 1 and never looked back at the 309 runners.

In the final hand, he pushed on a A-T-3 flop. Persuad called with KT, giving him the best ten, but he looked like he had just been slapped in the face with a piece of soggy hosiery when the appropriately named Goodwin revealed A-8.

The winner’s stocking full of goodies includes an iPod Nano, a seat in both the final of the series and the Champion of Champions event, and £90,420. It’s a tidy amount, but not close to what Eriksson will receive for donning his swimming trunks this summer.

Final Standings of GUKPT Leg 4 – Manchester

1. Mark Goodwin – £90,420
2. Nik Persaud - £52,530
3. Zachary Ford - £37,850
4. Charles Ihle - £25,490
5. Aarun Bernard - £19,310
6. Laurence Houghton - £15,450
7. Paul Gourlay - £12,360
8. Paul Lammas - £9,270
9. Pete Linton - £6,950

Life Before Death

Next to a photograph of Wolfgang Kotzhahn, a subject in an exhibition at the Wellcome Collection, London, is his quotation: ‘Suddenly everything matters. I have never paid any attention to clouds before.’ In the next picture, his days of sky-gazing are over: he is dead.

Photographer Walter Schels and his partner, journalist Beate Lakotta, spent a year in hospices in Germany with 24 terminally ill people who had agreed to have their last days recorded: ‘Life Before Death’ is the resulting exhibition.

Each patient is the subject of two, one-meter square portraits; one was shot in the weeks before death, the other in the hours afterwards. They are positioned on the gallery wall at a height of a mantelpiece mirror so the viewer stares life and death in the face. The size of the photographs is appropriate: there are three patients with a beard and it is possible to discern death in their facial hair. Each patient also has a mini biography.

As you walk around the appropriately black and white gallery, it is the combination of words and images that lends this powerful exhibition its greatest impact. An advertising executive with a brain tumour appears intense, as if he is annoyed that his visitors do not see the inadvertent irony of their farewell comment: ‘Hope you’re soon back on track, mate.’

The knowledge of the ultimate destination causes another patient to declare ‘I embrace death’ and she yearns for total detachment before the end. Another man rages ‘Don’t they get it? I’m going to die!’ Reading the words and gazing at the accompanying photographs, it would be impossible to misplace the faces with the quotations.

Although fear is common throughout, so is hope, so is beauty, so is peace. Particularly prevalent is the impulse that causes one patient to declare ‘I’d rather put up with pain that lose control.’ It is a common impulse: it is there when a lady lines up dolls in a way that evokes her home and when a man records the results of Hamburg HSV on a wall chart.

The need to assert a particle of personality is most poignant when a woman mentions her husband is a tyrant. He refuses to let her die at home because he can’t cope. She enters the hospice, spends three weeks in bed drinking champagne cups, before agreeing to see him. They spend the evening locked in conversation. The next morning, she dies.

It was not possible for Schels to obtain a portrait of the last patient after her death. She was a 30 year old mother, who resisted her end until she had attended the funeral of her six year old son. However, after viewing 23 patients and exploring the whole of your emotions, you no longer need an image.

You leave the gallery and open the door to Euston Road pleased, even if the sky is grey, that at least it is not black and white. As one contributor to the visitors’ book puts it, ‘Right, I’m off to Tahiti.’

Live Before Death – Wellcome Collection, London until 18th May

Poker Unclogged

Welcome to the first of our brand new column, Poker Unclogged. As promised last week, it will deliver an alternative take on the game and throw up a few nuggets from its less charted territories. We will begin with a look at Darwinism in the world of poker

Most players are aware of Wild Bill Hickok’s final cash out. (For the few that don’t: he was shot in the back of the head by Jack Mc Call. It was one of the few occasions when Bill couldn’t find a seat with his back to the wall. He was playing five card draw and had two-pair, aces and eights, now known in poker circles as ‘the dead man’s hand’. Had Bill been hanged, he may have been famous for another part of the dead man, but that is another story.)

Although it’s the most famous, poker’s link with the Wild West provides plenty of other grizzly, yet amusing fatalities. Take the case of Sheriff Bud Frazier (Clint Eastwood did - it allegedly inspired the climax of A Fistful of Dollars.)

Bud had a deputy, ‘Deacon’ Jim Miller who, it transpired, was pursuing his own unholy agenda. When a prisoner found out about the deputy’s crimes the Deacon had him killed. Bud was not impressed. Next time the Sheriff saw the Deacon, he decided to pop him. Jim took one in the chest and another in the arm. The Sheriff dusted his hands.

However, poker playing Bud made a bad read: the Deacon had taken the precaution of wearing a steel plate under his shirt and was able to crawl away. A few months later, they met again. The Sheriff blasted 4 times. The Deacon went down.

And then got back up again.

The Sheriff fled in terror.

It took nearly two years for their paths to cross. By this time, Bud needed distractions to keep the visions at bay, so he was playing more and more poker. Indeed, he was so distracted by one hand that he failed to notice the barrel of a shotgun peeping over the swing-doors of the saloon.

Boom.

Boom.

Bud’s innards splashed the pot.

Although tried for the murder, Deacon was acquitted as the jury ruled Frazier would have done exactly the same.

The Sheriff died because he didn’t know his opponent, he didn’t understand position and he didn’t see his moves through.

We’ll have more like this at Poker Unclogged next week.

‘See You Next Tuesday!’

In Praise of William Boyd

Since the publication of his debut novel ‘A Good Man in Africa’, William Boyd’s work has regularly been awarded accolades, from the Whitbread Literary Award for the Best First Novel in 1981 to the 2006 Costa Novel Award for Restless. The author even manages to produce award-winning wines. However, despite being shortlisted for the Richard and Judy Best Read of 2007, he still doesn’t receive enough publicity. Although his current title, The Dream Lover, is a freshly packaged collection of previously published short stories, it is hoped that it might bring his work to a wider audience.

More readers should be aware of Logan Mountstuart, son of a corned beef exporter, born 1906, died 1991, and his life described in the journal, Any Human Heart, justifiably available in the Penguins Celebrations range. A personal account of the 20th century, from his days at a Norfolk public school to his more troubled times - The Dogfood Years - it is funny, dramatic and poignant.

After that, any reader with a further thirst for fictional lives lived during the whole of the last century could turn to the earlier work, The New Confessions, the autobiography of John James Todd, ‘one of the great self-appointed (and failed) geniuses.’ They would discover personal accounts of the First World War, the Berlin film scene in the thirties and an unforgettable example of maternal soothing in the 1900s.

Every one of Boyd’s novels is a unique creation and they deserve a place in loving homes. They are captivating stories with wonderful characters in original settings and need to be read.

Gustave Flaubert stated; ‘Do not read for the sake of entertainment, or for the purpose or instruction. Read in order to live.’

Pick up a William Boyd novel and experience all three.

Final of the WPT

David Chiu, described by card player Mike Sexton as ‘a pro’s-pro, won the WPT Championship at the Bellagio on Saturday, netting $3,389,140. The ex-restaurant owner is proud to add the title to his 4 WSOP bracelets.

For a while, it seemed like it might be the fastest final table in WPT history as Gus Hansen’s wrecking ball had demolished the stacks of 4 other players. The great Dane’s trademark loose style had seen him play 16 of the first 19 hands. He prides himself on his ability to play any two cards but he was also helped, initially, by quite a large chunk of luck.

He was the underdog with T-9 suit in a contest against the AQ of Jeff King – an unhelpful board changed in Hansen’s favour when a ten landed on the river – exit King.

Three hands later, Gus flopped a set of tens against Tommy Le’s set of 5s, leaving the latter the fifth place pay-off but it was the next hand that was the best of the final table.

Hansen has raised to 480,000 from the button but big-blind, Cory Carroll, made it 1.65 million. When Hansen called, they looked at a flop of Qc-Jd-6d. Cory checked, Hansen went all in.

It was time to go to the tank.

After several long minutes, Carroll made the call. It was huge. He flipped over A-J, for second pair and Hansen showed 7d-5d, for the draw. The pair of jacks was the favourite but the diamond fell on the river and Carroll was dead in 4th. It was the worst kind of exit – a brilliant read but still beaten.

Six hands later, no one was surprised when Hansen took down the KK of John Roveto with A-T when Gus made a straight on the river. He seemed unstoppable.

Chiu had played only two hands during all the carnage and later claimed his strategy had been to avoid Gus until heads up. So far, it had proved to be a successful plan but Hansen had built up a chip advantage of more than 5 to 1.

However, one hand actually saw Hansen faliing to win with the worst cards: all-in with 22 against 55. The advantage was halved. By the time Hansen made a small mistake, bluffing at the river when his opponent had just hit a pair, it was advantage Chiu. Two hands later, the tournament was over.

Chiu had called a pre-flop raise and the board was Ac-10c-8sp. He called again and the turn was 5sp. Hansen went all in. Chiu tanked. Eventually he called. They flipped the cards over.

Hansen had T-8 for two pair and the advantage over Chiu’s Asp-9sp, top pair, flush draw. Hansen would win this 65% of the time.

But not this time.

The river was the Ah, giving Chiu a win in ‘the toughest tournament I have played.’

Second place Hansen can add $1,714,800 to his year’s supply of almonds.

Final Table Payouts at the WPT Bellagio

1. David Chiu – USA - $3,389,140
2. Gus Hansen – DEN -$1,714,800
3. John Roveto – USA - $923,355
4. Cory Carroll – CAN - $593,645
5. Tommy Le – USA - $395,725
6. Jeff King - USA - $263,815

Day 5 of the WPT

Although he is entitled to another year’s supply of almonds for being a sponsor’s Player of the Day, Gus Hansen is likely to be focused on the main reward on in the WPT event at Bellagio. After the 5th day, there are only six players left from the original 545 and Gus has a near 2m chip advantage over his closest rival, Cory Carroll.

As his physique suggests, Gus is not a man to succumb to the distraction of snacking. He has been known to make bets with individuals based on personal fitness goals and was a tennis champion in his youth. An obviously very self-motivated man, he has stated he learnt English from the liner notes on Pink Floyd albums and moved to New York to try to make it as a professional backgammon player.

His decision to leave the blots behind and turn a new page has proved to be highly lucrative: to date his poker earnings have topped $5,400,000 and he could yet roll away with the first prize of $3,389,140.

When play resumes on Saturday afternoon, the winner of People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Poker Player’ title, will he hope that he can continue to have most points covered.

Final 6 at the WPT Bellagio:

1. Gus Hansen – DEN – 8,570,000
2. Cory Carroll – CAN – 6,670,000
3. David Chiu – CHI – 6,050,000
4. John Roveto – USA – 2,720,000
5. Tommy Le - USA - 1,950,000
6. Jeff King – ENG – 1,305,000

Fashionable

Juergen Teller's photograph of Victoria Beckham for a Marc Jacobs ad:

Coming Soon - Tournament Tips

It’s tournament fever at the moment. There is a whopping multi-dollar event at The Bellagio, there are only a few months until the WSOP and a Faceball tournament took place at London’s Tate Modern.

If you are overcome with a racing heartbeat with the thought of all of this competiveness and want a piece of the action but lack the bank balance for the WSOP, or the desire to be smacked in the nostrils with a large inflatable ball, then a guaranteed $100K Tournament might be a better way to boost the testosterone.

Widely available, these offer the chance to experience the thrills of multi-table tournaments at a fraction of the price of the WSOP. However, we also recognise tournaments can be daunting to the inexperienced. To help you along the pathway to financial glory, we have asked our poker grey beards to provide a step-by-step guide that should stop you becoming lost and dumped in a donkey sanctuary.

We will begin tomorrow with an introduction that will detail strategies for surviving the first hour of tournament play and then we will offer tips on play as the event enters its latter stages, so, if you do have the fever, stay posted for some cool advice.

Day 4 of the WPT at The Bellagio

One of the less documented reasons to play at the WPT at The Bellagio is for the chance to expand your waistline as well as your bank balance. Every day, players fight for a year’s supply of almonds, the tasty snack that is subject to identity confusion because although it is botanically a fruit, it is usually packed off as nuts.

Tuesday’s lucky winner was Gus Hansen and yesterday saw Steve Wong embrace the wasabi & soy sauce flavour treats simply for being ‘fan of the day’. As his tournament is already spent, presumably he will be standing in the peanut gallery again today, cheering on his friend, Tommy Le who, with 1,095,000 chips, is 11th of 17.

Hansen, full time poker-pro and part time almond handler, saw a slight dip in his fortunes and has surrendered the tree-top to Amir Vahedi, who takes a 978,000 lead into Day 5. Hansen would have been closer to his rival had he not doubled up Michael Gracz ten minutes before close of play. The former called an all in when the board showed 5-6-7-8-9 and was left seeking comfort food when he saw his opponent’s J-10.

Play resumes after lunch and the players will be looking to book a seat at a table for 6 for the final action tomorrow. Who will have the biggest appetite for the $3,389,140 main course? Stay with us to find out.

Day 3 of the WPT at The Bellagio

Another day, another million dollar tournament. Regular readers may recall that yesterday’s post referred to the poker room at The Bellagio as ‘The Office’ and, like any workplace, it has plenty of tales of misery.

Picture the scenario: you’ve had a long day, it’s ten minutes until clocking off time and you’re thinking about home. In any other office, there are not too many things that could wrong. However, if you are playing in the WPT, those ten minutes could change your life, in a way only matched by your boss asking you ‘to step inside and close the door’.

Yesterday, Gus Hansen was minutes away from the exit after a hard day’s work. His chip stack was average and he spent the day going through the motions, the poker equivalent of checking his email. Suddenly, he was invited for a one-to-one.

His hole cards are AK. Tim Phan, under the gun, makes it 32,000 and is rewarded with a caller. It arrives on Hansen. He-raises. He has to. Phan calls; the other worker leaves the office, filing away the rest of his chips.

The cards are on the table: A-4-3.

Phan checks, Hansen bets half the pot. Phan pushes, in a way that suggests he has been on a positive thinking course. Hansen, presented with the kind of career defining moment that are so frequent during a high-stakes, multi-day poker tournament, takes a while to think about his goals.

‘I don’t think I can lay this down.’

He calls.

Phan shows AQ: Hansen reaps the benefits of his opponent’s inability to foresee negative outcomes.

His day at the office left him best placed to land the top $3,389,140 bonus payment. He has 2,246,000. Tim Phan is second last with 69,000.

Maybe he’ll call in sick.

Poker Unclogged

We at Eyebrows are proud to include a brand new poker column, one that is determined to bring you amazing facts and features about the game you know and love.

Called Poker Unclogged, every Tuesday it will deliver the kind of hard to find information that will have bloggers of lesser sites crying over their chips in jealously as they struggle to comprehend the depths of our resources, contacts and brazen-faced bribery.

If you, the reader, are not aglow with delight after reading our spanking new column, then we can only suggest that you have reached a depth of hell usually only populated by dictators, book-burners and people who never buy drinks.

It may be a tale of poker legend, a slice of card play from one of the lesser known parts of the world or simply an anecdote that will force you to lie down and contemplate your future, but it will be different.

In order to bring you the freshest information, we will leave no dealer un-tipped, no palm ungreased and no arse un-kissed. It will be Unclogged, it will be here next week and it will wow you.

Say it once.

Say it twice.

Say ‘See You Next Tuesday!’

GUKPT - Leg 4

Leg 4 of the extremely popular Grosvenor UK Poker Tour began in Manchester yesterday with a two day £200 NL Freezeout. However, the action really begins on Thursday with the first of two opening days for the main event – a £1000 buy-in, NL tournament. So, after watching the delights of Barcelona versus Manchester United, the players can settle into their seats and try to play a beautiful game of their own.

The tournament follows the standard structure of the GUKPT, so with roughly 300 players expected, the winner will snag about 30% of the prize pool, which is likely to be about £100,000. The last person sitting will also receive a seat in the tour’s Grand Final and a seat in the Champion of Champions Tournament.

Last year’s Manchester event involved a four hour heads up marathon, eventually won by Dave Colcough who triumphed over fellow pro Barry Neville. Both are expected back in action this week, along with ex-Eastender Michael Greco, who won last year’s event in Cardiff.

He faces stiff competition to be the tournament celebrity as he will be joined by Michelle Orpe, professional poker player, TV presenter and sometime glamour model. She’ll be hoping to add the tournament to her already impressive portfolio.

The WPT at The Bellagio

In the world of American professional poker players, the card room at The Bellagio is sometimes referred to as ‘the office’ due to the high table limits. Like any other workplace, sometimes there are bullies and victims, sometimes there is a bit of sexual tension and occasionally it needs new faces to prevent the air becoming stale

So, with spring in the air, The Bellagio saw plenty of new players skipping over to play in WPT World Championship, a week long event that began on Saturday. The casino’s workforce, which is said to number up to 10,000, had its work cut out attending to the needs of the new recruits but, of 545 starters, there are only 188 still demanding drinks with their chips.

The remainder will all have their eyes on the whopping first prize when play resumes today. They will also be desperately hoping they don’t fall down on the chute in the dreaded 101st position and miss the minimum severance payout of $39,570.

As things stand, least likely to go home with a reduced bank balance is Robert Mizrachi, playing with a nose scraping stack of 523,200 and sniffing in dismissal at the tournament average of 145,000. Stay with us to discover who wouldn’t get out of bed for less than $3,389,140 and who could do with a raise.

Final Day of the EPT

Certain events have tendency to end in a familiar way: sex with a gasp, weddings with a song and divorces with a slanging match. For multi-million euro poker tournaments, the climax is usually a simple coin flip. After 5 gruelling days of play, 22 year-old Glen Chorny, an online qualifier from Canada, won the EPT Final at the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort after his A5 won a race against the KQ of Denes Kalo.

By that stage Chorny has built a healthy chip advantage over his opponent and could easily afford to put the Hungarian in for his stack. An ace on the flop and fat ladies were singing - Glen Chorny collected a cheque for Euro 2,020,000 and his first EPT title. Kalo had to make do with a mere Euro 1,179,000.

The EPT's newest champion seemed a little confused in the post game interviews, claiming ‘There is no better way to feel right now then like this - It feels like you’re a rock star’, but also uttering that he wouldn’t celebrate in Jimmy Z’s, a Monte Carlo night-club, as ‘It’s too expensive’.

Before we assume he’s more Cliff Richard than Keith Richards, we should remember he is only a 22 year old from Timmins, Ontario, who won his seat for $700 dollars. As his European record prize money sinks in, we may yet see a plasma TV hurtle from his hotel window.

Top 8 of the EPT Monte Carlo

1. Glen Chorny - CAN - 2,020,000

2. Denes Kalo - HUN - 1,179,000

3. Maxime Fillmore - CAN - 715,000

4. Issac Baron - USA - 589,000

5. Michael Martin - USA - 421,000

6. Luga Pagano - ITA - 337,00

7. Valeriy Ilikyan - RUS - 253,000

8. Antonio Esfandiari - USA - 168,000

Day 4 of the EPT

It is appropriate for a week that began with the London Marathon that the EPT Final at the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort has been a punishing ordeal. Day 4 was meant to see the 40 runners whittled down to a final table of 8 but play closed at 1am with 10 individuals still riffling their chips.

One man who didn’t quite last the distance was Claudio Pagano who, when he cashed out in 22nd place, was reluctantly forced to leave his son, Luca, chasing for family glory and depriving the final table of some Oedipal dynamics. At 7th, Pagano jr is well placed to makes his third EPT final table - he has already set a record with nine EPT cashes.

However, having come so far, all of the players will try to remain focussed on the first prize of EURO 2,020,000. They are guaranteed a minimum of 126,000 for their efforts and those incentives have produced some fine play over the course of the tournament. They have also given us this one: Eric Liu was looking at a flop of AAT when Valeriy Ilikyan bet half of his opponent’s stack and then began to jabber nonsense.

After pondering, Eric said ’I’ve had enough. All-in’. Valeriy stopped talking to push his chips in, beam a wide smile and flip A5. The crowd was speechless as Eric revealed QJ.

To know the exact reason why he decided to donate, we would probably need the services of someone who can solve the Rubik’s Cube blindfolded, underwater and singing ‘My Way’. We will just have to accept it’s part of the pressure of a poker marathon. Find out who’s hit the wall tomorrow.

Final 10 At The EPT Monte Carlo

1. Glen Chorny - CAN - 3,370,000
2. Isaac Baron - USA - 2,365,000
3. Michael Martin - USA- 1,579,000
4. Maxime Fillmore - CAN - 1,220,000
5. Denes Kalo - HUN - 957,000
6. Antonio Esfandiari - USA - 735,000
7. Luca Pagano - ITA - 705,000
8. Valeriy Ilikyan - RUS - 650,000
9. Stig Top-Rasmussen - DEN - 590,000
10. Henrik Gwinner - DEN - 466,000

Day 3 of the EPT

When you are a kid, plenty of things bring joy into your life: Christmas, pets and farting. Some of these linger through to adulthood but one that is usually left in the sandpit is blowing bubbles. Unless you have a very varied social network, you don’t see a lot of thirty-somethings dipping a bit of plastic into a small cylinder of washing up liquid, then pursing their lips and slowly blowing. Not even in The Masons.

However, the action during Day 3 of the final of the EPT at the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel and Resort was akin to watching the world’s most patient kid attempting to blow and sustain a momentous bubble – at first, everyone watching was mesmerised, wondering how long it could last. One hour came and went – still the bubble was holding. Teeth were gritted. A second hour passed. Tension built and the sound of Doris Day insinuated itself into people’s skulls: ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles…..’

Finally, and luckily for the sanity of some, the bubble burst two and a half hours after the elimination of the 82nd player. Pro Surinder Sunar saw his dreams fade and die when his jacks were busted and, as he departed, he possibly felt a faintly acidic splash land in his eye as the EPT’s longest bubble left its residue.

There was a collective sigh of relief and the reaming 80 picked up the pace, secure in the knowledge that their playtime would be rewarded. By the close, 39 individuals still had some chips to play with, but swinging highest is American Antonio Esfandiari, who bullied past the Norwegians and amassed 1,198,000. When they come out to play today, they will be competing for a high chair at the final table and a shot at the €2,020,000 gold star.

From A to B

There is an episode of The Simpsons in which Bart, who has been forced to wear glasses and orthopaedic shoes, opens his locker and a book falls into his hands. The school bullies spot him with the book and the ringleader, Nelson, shouts ’Hey, he’s learning on his own!’ Bart then receives some physical education about what constitutes acceptable behaviour in the school corridor.

For those who have experienced Bart’s beating because they dared to discover, Wikipedia must be the ideal cyber-club as it has tons of information, it is great for extra curricular learning and the egg-headed bouncers are pumped up on fish oil.

Since 2001, the site has amassed 2.3m articles in English and has 75,000 active contributors. These people, who create or amend the articles, are called ‘Editors’, and they have to adhere to the ‘Five Pillars of Wikipedia’(it’s an encyclopaedia, it’s free, it has a code, it’s neutral and does not have firm rules.)

Having passed the pillars, readers may want to try an edit. There is a tutorial for contributors which has a feature called the ‘sandbox’ where would be Editors can try out their skills on a text. At the moment, it is an intriguing excerpt from ‘The Chronology of the Irish Annals’ which features a father treacherously slaying his nephew.

However, perhaps the most interesting exhortation from the guidelines is ‘Be Bold’, advice, one suspects, Nelson from The Simpsons never needed in the school corridor. One new contributor, author Nicholson Baker, became an Editor last year and describes his first experience with the project: ‘[It was] as if I had passed through the looking glass and was being allowed to fiddle with some huge engine . It seemed much too easy to damage.’

After he overcomes his initial trepidation, he gradually becomes emboldened and is ’well on his way to developing a first-stage Wikipedia dependency’. He joins the Article Rescue Squadron, a wonderfully name group who oppose ‘extremist deletions’ and tactically deploy commas. He describes his biggest pleasure as ’whacking trolls’. These are Wikipedia’s vandals who can amend articles to lines of abuse.

The troll-whackers police the project, eject the unruly typists and protect the interests of the wise and orderly - all so their free database of human knowledge can spread by word of mouse and people can learn on their own. A cyber swagger can start to creep into their actions: they begin to scoff at inexperienced editors, jeer the uniformed and flame the hapless illiterates who don’t know what constitutes acceptable behaviour in the online corridors of knowledge.

Day 2 of the EPT

By a lot of accounts, Norway is a great place to live. It has a hugely successful welfare system, it was rated the most peaceful country in the world by Global Peace Index and it seems to produce a disproportionally high number of top class poker pros: at the final of the EPT goes into Day 3, the railbirds at Monte Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort are looking at a Norwegian 1-2-3-4.

123 players survived Day 2 but in the mini-league of players from the ‘land of the midnight sun’, the man with the most daylight between him and his rivals is Oyvind Riisem, who has amassed 441,400.

Among the relatively chip-starved is tubby ex-footballer Tomas Brolin, with 62,600, but one with a better diet is recent Irish Poker Open winner, Neil Channing. The Englishman is said to have forked out £500 and backed himself at 100-1 to win that event. With 99,500 chips, roughly 30k more than the average stack, and lying in 57th place, he can still accumulate enough to win the €2,020,000. Keep posted to see if he proves to be a one trick pony.

EPT Grand Final

It is difficult to imagine a better place to host a poker tournament than Monte Carlo. The final of the EPT, currently taking place in the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort, can be proud to join other sporting spectactulars such as the Monte Carlo Masters, the Circuit de Monaco and the fiercely competitive mini golf games at the Princess Antoinette Park.

820 high class poker players began avoiding the region’s beautiful scenery and competing for the Î 2,020,000 first prize on Saturday. However, many of the railbirds had to wait twenty-four hours for their flashbulb moment as Boris Becker started his campaign on Day 1b. He lasted for a while but showed his presence at the tables is not yet as menacing as he one was on the tennis court when he was boom-boomed by an opponent’s full house. The ex-tennis pro learned that holding an ace is not quite the same as serving one.

Another ex-champion was left with just memories when last year’s winner, Gavin Griffin, tried to Hoover up some chips placed by limpers, only to be faced by a strong re-raise which forced him to make a value call holding Q5, a hand not fit for a king when played against AK.

Day 2 starts today and there are 382 players still hoping to hold court. The total prize pool is over 8m euros - the top 80 will be paid and will nearly be able to afford a meal in one of the area’s restaurants. Stay with Eyebrows for more coverage.

Preview of the EPT Grand Final

Although it may not be attracting the same level of news coverage as the Beijing Olympic Games, the Grand Final of the EPT, which begins on Saturday at the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort, promises to be an exciting affair. The casino is holding a welcome party and its organisers are boasting a spectacular night. It will feature circus acts and free drink but is hoped that it won’t need the deployment of suspicious guys in sunglasses and silky pyjamas – they are confident we’ll see enough of that style at the poker tables.

The afternoon after the fire swallowers will see up to 1000 players entered for the showpiece, a NL game with an impressive €10,000 buy in, which could be the richest poker game outside Las Vegas – the first prise is expected to top €2m. Expect to see players who have won previous EPT Season 4 events, including last week’s San Remo chart topper Jason Mercier, as all of the tour’s champions automatically earn a place at the final.

The sheer volume of players will see the opening spread over the now traditional two days, with the final 9 scheduled to sit down on April 17th. Last year’s winner Gavin Griffin has since made his way into the record books, becoming the first player to win WSOP, WPT and EPT titles. Maybe someone new will make their name this year. Stay with us for up to date coverage.

Love My Pet, Love Me

After spending the last couple of weeks sharing with a cat called Barney, I’m tempted to think they are pets for people who have massive reserves of unconditional love, or low expectations for their relationships, i.e. kids, teachers or online poker players.

They are fine if you have some unfulfilled parental needs, as they seem to exist in perpetual kitten-hood, but if you are looking for behaviour that resembles human love and friendship, it might be time to widen the cat flap. Most of us crave a meal partner who, at least one a week, doesn’t eat tender chunks in gravy and shit on the garden. Luckily, the lonely owners are amply served by the internet.

A web-site http://www.datemypet.com/ could, for some, prove to be a disappointing name.
However, it is ideal for those people who want to meet a fellow pet-lover and live ‘Yappily Ever After’. It is also full of advice for owners whose previous love affairs have been dogs’ dinners.

These are some of the questions it answers:-

‘Does your date get along great with animals, but treat YOU (caps suggesting an over exuberant approach to animal training?) like a worn out dog-toy?’

‘Do you have differing views about your pets’ lifestyle?’ and

If your date loses control of his emotions, is it ever acceptable to shoot him with elephant tranquilisers?

(Only one of those questions is made up.)

Datemypet.com provides a online dating service that is aimed at the lovelorn who are struggling to reach the 'blended family' stage. Populated by owners who have, in the main, decided to post more pictures of their pets than their own faces, it offers a range of services, including ‘Rex in the City’.

A glance at some of the posts offers an eye-opening world for ‘owners seeking owners’. Subscribers are invited to offer profiles for both themselves and their pet(s) and it is here that you realise that other online dating services have missed a trick.

Male, heterosexual readers of a certain age – consider these two posts, both made by the same woman:

Me: I have no children, and I'd rather not be subjected to yours. I like to learn new things, but I wouldn't say I'm adventurous. Also a serious homebody - although I'm not opposed to an occasional trip, if you are looking for a real travel partner, I'm not your girl. I'll confess to being a bit of a princess, but I am not a drama queen.

My pet: I have lots of friends, big and small, and there is only one dog in my neighbourhood I growl at - but she started it. I am very social and if I bark at you it's mostly just because it's fun to bark. At 13 I have slowed down a bit and am getting a little hard of hearing but most people think I'm still a puppy. My favourite things are freeze-fried liver and mum's lap.

Which one wags your tail?

Here’s another for the heterosexual ladies:

Looking for someone who didn't vote for Bush/Cheney. That would show common sense and sound judgement. Value a sense of humour, independence and honesty in a woman. Someone who can laugh at themselves and at/with me. Like a woman that's into music and keeps up with current events.

His pet is looking for:

Another friend to play and wrestle with. Also, another dog that will let my dog smell her or his rear and not be offended.

Which one do you think tells you more about the writer?

Clearly, if I am to use a networking site, datemypet.com is the way to go. I’ll just project all I am onto Barney’s profile.

I might even mention the abscess on his arse.

Round Up of the CAPT Salzburg

If he has a significant other, Gerhard Schiesser, winner of the Salzburg Open, Open may be tempted to return to his place of triumph tonight as the Salzburg Casino is hosting Ladies’ Day every Wednesday in April. He had a fairy-tale weekend after opening a poker treasure-chest and discovering €47,880, so he can more than afford the €25 entrance fee.

Not only does his lucky lady receive the amount in chips, she is automatically entered into a ‘shooting star’ competition, in which a lucky winner is awarded a professional photo-shoot. There will be a grand finale in December and a jury will announce the Casino’s ‘Palace Queen’ 2008. Maybe the enchanted Gerhard and his princess could be blessed with further happiness.

Schiesser is German and although the poker pro is still gaining experience, he proved his game is more than a case of The Emperor’s New Clothes, by staving off the challenges of 83 players.

There were plenty of other compelling narratives during the eight days of poker action, including the triumph of Ludger Bauer, who proved as his multi-tasking skills over 24 hours by placing in two successive tournaments – 1st in the €1000 NL and 4th in PL Omaha. He has a good chance of living happily ever after.

Final Standings of the 2008 CAPT Salzburg Open

1. Gerhard Schiesser - GER – €47,880
2. Markus List – GER – €35,100
3. Dominik Pfeiffer – AUT – €25,540
4. Stefan Gatt – GER - €17,560
5. Florian Ristl - AUT - €12,770
6. Rino Mathis – DEN – €9,580
7. Andreas Krause - GER - €6,380
8. Chen Ping-Hsuing – AUT – €4,790

Horse and Hound

Scientists may one day establish that there is a symbiotic link between the nation’s anxiety and the ubiquity of Clare Balding.

The former champion amateur jockey likes to describe herself as a ‘mobile anchor’. She said ‘instead of having people brought to me, I’m going out there to find them. It’s a bit woo and a bit wee, if you like’.

On Saturday, she ticked yet another box on her impressively varied CV when she became the first racing journalist to present the Grand National. As a veteran of Crufts, she had no trouble coping with the well-groomed. Moreover, interviewing a gleeful jockey is probably a lot easier than presenting a rosette to a Giant Schnauzer.

However, she doesn’t quite show up everywhere. As yet, her varied experience does not include presenter duties on Scruffts, a dog show for crossbreeds that swaps grand titles such as ‘Best of Breed’, ‘Best Puppy’ and ‘Best In Show’ for ‘Golden Oldie’, Child’s Best Friend’ and ‘Prettiest Bitch’. For a former President of the Cambridge Union Society, that wouldn’t be the done thing.

Clearly, ‘the mobile anchor’ remains embedded in the bedrock of the establishment. A glance through some of her considerable achievements reveals plenty of opportunities for ‘woo and wee’: the Lord Mayor’s Show, Trooping the Colour, Ramblings and Housecall in the Country are all broadcasts that are deemed suitable for Clare’s wax-jacket.

The events and the clothing are important. In these times of uncertainty, the BBC is thinking of its viewers’ health. It is mindful not to induce a phenomenon such as White Coat Syndrome, in which patients can have higher blood pressure in the doctor’s office than they do at home. So, to ease the nation’s hypertension as the credit crunch starts to bite, they up the dosage of Clare Balding’s wardrobe.

There may be an erosion of civil liberties caused by the threat of terrorism but look – here’s a nice, reassuring, white middle class person in a wax coat, surrounded by greenery, so let’s all peel an apple. The country lurching towards the Conservatives, you say? Fine – time for even more Clare, as she has a vague look of a crossbreed between Sir Geoffrey Howe and Baroness Thatcher.

Balding may not present the coverage of the collapse of Northern Rock, but she will be there, hosting the racing, hoping our horse comes in.

Final of the EPT San Remo

American Jason Mercier has become poker newest dollar millionaire by winning the EPT San Remo on Saturday. His reward for winning the five-day tournament is a cheque for €869,000 ($1,364,330) and a seat at the EPT Grand Final in Monte Carlo next week.

Haling from Fort Lauderdale, Jason was training to be a maths teacher when he stumbled across the head-turning delights of online poker. He forged a lucrative career at the tables and won a seat for the event online. As he had been dumped out of his first live tournament on its opening day, he nearly decided to cash in his seat for the EPT, join his friends in Amsterdam and give the event a body swerve. Lives can turn on the smallest of decisions and we at Eyebrows are sure he now appreciates the benefits of a more natural high.

Having hit the top on Day 2, Mercier was always in contention. He’s a tough customer and his moves at the final table included a call on a J-5-6-8-8 board, having only a pair of 5s; a check-raise all in for a 5m pot holding the flush draw, and a knife edge call pre flop with AQ against 77 for the final hand of the tournament. It was euphoria for the man who had to forgo the pleasures of Pythagoras and Amsterdam for those of poker pots but at least it has slipped him a healthy stash.

Final Table Results From The EPT San Remo

1.Jason Mercier – USA – €869,000
2.Antony Lellouche – FRA – €505,000
3.Dario Minieri – ITA – €287,600
4.Eric Koskas – FRA €223,600
5.Gregory Genovese – ITA – €185,500
6.William Thorson – SWE – €140,600
7.Dag Palovic - SLO – €111,800
8.Marcus Bower – USA – €76,700

Medical Experts Recommend Reading No More Than 2 Scare Stories A Week

According to scientists at the University of Pennsylvania drinking lots of water is of little benefit to heath.

Another headline this week proclaims that caffeine benefits the brain.

I must need coffee as I'm confused by the amount of conflicting health advice but, for the moment, I have a more pressing dilemma: it's lunch time, I'm hungry and I'm staring at a corn beef sandwich.

Do I call for back-up?

Day 2 of the EPT San Remo

It’s hard not to be impressed by San Remo. Beautiful spring days, tasty ice cream and friendly locals. However, as some took their siesta, poker types were keen not to be caught napping in the city’s casino as 208 players tussled for an EPT crown on Day 2 of the tournament.

With the top 72 being paid, the players had roughly a 33% chance of landing something for their efforts. As the bubble approached, things became typically tight, as players close to the exit door eyed their opponents and prayed someone else would bite the bullet. The man with the metaphorical slug in his mouth turned out to be Evert Jan Dongergoor who, although he leaves with no cash, he can bank plenty of relieved gratitude from the remaining 72.

After the bubble bursts, the very short stacks usually go tonto. As soon as the magic number is passed, there is a flurry of activity as the desperadoes try for one last shot at the title. It rarely works but it’s a welcome contrast to the bubble play and it provides a few laughs for the railbirds.

As the day closed there were only 31 left, all vying for the top share of a prize pool of €3,195,860. Chip leader is currently American Jason Mercier, who secured his seat through an online tournament. He will be hoping that his stack of €684,000 can last him through today’s action and secure him a reservation for Saturday’s final table.

CAPT Salzburg

There are many reasons to visit Salzburg. It was the setting for parts of The Sound of Music: what could be better than being surrounded by The Alps, closing your eyes and singing “High On the Hill Was a Lonely Goatherd…..”?

After sating your yodelling needs, you could then meander to the city’s Casino Salzburg, where, after sampling the restaurant’s ‘Dinner and Roulette Package’ (the price of the meal is determined by where the ball rests), you could them explore the canyon of love that is the house’s poker room.

This week is a particularly good time as the casino is hosting an event on the Casinos Austria Poker Tour. The main event is a €2000 buy in beginning on Saturday, but yesterday saw a ‘Super-Satellite’, with a milder €200 entrance fee and unlimited re-buys for the first hour.

There are those at Eyebrows who do not like re-buy tournaments because they are sceptical about life after death. These individuals maintain that poor players should have to cope with stack atrophy and hold that re-buy tournaments are akin to a belief in reincarnation. They have a point: the fish think they will return as poker pros.

However, belief systems can help people muddle through life: if your bag is charging into poker no man’s land holding K-9, secure in the knowledge that even if you are peppered with bullets, another life is only another chunk of change away, then re-buys are the way to go.

Companion Animals

Tokyo has found a new fad. At the Cat Café Calico, punters with a yearning for some feline contact can pay 800 yen a hour to spend time with 14 well groomed cats, as long as the humans are prepared to go through an extensive hygiene ritual.

One heavy user, 32 year-old system engineer Kazunori Hamanaka, has found great comfort from the café. On an average visit, he will take over 200 pictures for his blog. Apparently stray cats are camera shy as they run away when he tries to stroke them. He said of the cafe: “It’s really soothing. Even three hours is not enough.”

I am currently house-sitting for my brother and am sharing a four bedroom house with a Barney, a black cat with an abscess on its anus. I am not finding it particularly soothing although it might be good for my diet: on the first morning I came downstairs to find ‘Barnes’ whisker-deep in my pork’ n herb chipolatas.

Although I am not anti-cat, I can understand why someone has created http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUlE3_vm9jA

Admittedly, I prefer dogs (why does no-one state they prefer goldfish to budgies?) but I would not go as far as http://the-sunshinegirl.blogspot.com/ , although if that is your walk in the sunshine, feel free to leave her a “tail wag”.

As I roam from room to empty room, I can understand the need for contact. In Tokyo, a lot of apartments are the size of kennels. There is also the problem of developing crowd sickness, in which individuals feel overexposed to the white noise of their fellow man. In those conditions, to stop them having a ’Network’ moment, I can appreciate the ritualised need for shampooed cats and well ironed comics.

However, move the occupant from the dog-house to a ghost house and the experience of finding claw marks on your mouse mat is not so soothing. Obviously, the perfect solution is to convert my brother’s house into a Cat Café. He won’t mind and my nieces have plenty of comics. Other people would spend time with the mog, I would make some money and have a chin-wag with the mugs.

At the moment, just having one cat would make it a hard sell but I intend to rectify that tonight. I have a bin-bag, a ski-mask and a polo mallet. I will bag some cats or get arrested. Either way, I’ll have some social contact.

EPT San Remo

With a little under two weeks to go until the EPT Grand Final, the tour’s event in San Remo will be the last chance to win a seat for the climax in Monte Carlo. Consequently the Italian event is a sell out, with stacks of players contributing €5000 to the prize pool.

Yesterday saw Day 1A draw to a close. Of the 337 who had chosen to sample the charms of the casino rather than those of the Italian Riviera, less than 100 will be contesting Day 2 when it begins on Thursday.

Of those who crashed to their knees is former Olympic Champion, Italian Alberto Tomba. Nicknamed ‘Tomba The Bomb’ he managed to win gold medals in the slalom and giant slalom but, when faced with the slightly inclining level of his opponents’ skill, he found himself lacking the required protective equipment.

Currently at the top of the hill and hoping to avoid a vertical drop is online qualifier Ville Nyman, from Finland. Having amassed 107,100 chips, he’ll be hoping that his rapid acceleration doesn’t warp into terminal velocity.

Today will see some poker heavyweights swagger in the arena, including Soren Jensen, who managed second place at the EPT Copenhagen. As the final table is not until Saturday, we’re sure all of them will be happy with the chugging reassurance of the ski-lift.

It is Nigh

It started in a Funeral Home in North Syracuse, New York and it has now reached Southampton. The manager of the English city’s crematorium, Trevor Mathieson, defended the decision to offer £75 webcasts of its ceremonies.

He said: “It’s not as if we’re Sky and broadcasting Premier League football. We’re not putting the services on to the internet for anyone to watch. It’s all about offering a better service to people who are bereaved”

Families who pay the £75 are given a user name and a password. This then enables the mourners to sit on their arses in a harlequin ‘Just Do It!’ T-shirt, praying that their processor doesn’t suffer a catastrophic failure and thus prevents them from marking the end of a loved one’s life with the lowering of a laptop’s screen.

For those whose technological needs are not fully met, they can also purchase a DVD for £50 and an audio recording (move over pod, it’s time for the CasketCast) for a mere £25. It is not known if the DVD includes ‘special features’ but it can only be a matter of time before we see a list of ‘Deleted Jewellery’, ‘Extended Tears’, and ‘The Burning of Teddy’ appearing on a disc entitled ‘The Cremulator’.

All of these exciting developments could have interesting knock-on effects in both this world and the next. As they view the climax to the tragedy, the couch-based bereaved may feel that their need for emotional catharsis is not fully met. This may cause the reappearance of ‘mutes’ and ‘professional mourners’. Not seen since the 19th century, (Southampton? Citation needed) these career choices for both the clinically depressed and obsessive face-clawers would enliven any webcast cremation.

Similarly, for those who believe in an afterlife, they may have to accept that the deceased’s preferred plane of existence remains the virtual world. Who would blame the freed souls if, on learning of the webcast of their cremation, they decide to outsource some of their interest in their surviving friends and play Second AfterLife instead?

Why would the Angels in Heaven bother trying to follow the lives of the living when it is presumably possible to simply set up an email inbox and flick through titles such as ‘It is What He Would Have Wanted’, ‘It Was a Nice Quiet Service’ and ‘Just Who The Hell Was That Guy Who Dad Left His Fishing Trophies To?’.

“The Kingdom of God is within you” – Henry Ward Beecher

The Time is Coming

As there is a slight lull in tournaments, Eyebrows would like to an opportunity to bring you news from another part of the poker world.

The movement for poker to be recognised as an Olympic event believes it is time for the game to proudly take its place alongside popular events such canoeing, badminton and sprinting. As the Beijing Games are only a few months away, it is too late for poker to be included this time, but lobbyists are optimistic that we will see cards shuffled in time for London 2012.

At the moment there are negotiations taking place with the International Olympic Committee and, although there has been some progress, there are still a few tough raises to overcome.

Here are a few of the main stumbling blocks:

1. Attire. The IOC is unhappy with the current haphazard approach with poker’s combination of random Hawaiian shirts, heavily sponsored Tees and guys who dress like they have arrived for the bargain bucket. Proposed alternatives include figure hugging leotards with iPod friendly pockets; dinner jackets complemented with a dicky bow of the nation’s flag; or utilisation of clothing from the sport fencing – the mask could hide facial expressions and the breeches would promote ease of movement.

2.Innovative coverage. The IOC feels spectacle hungry spectators may be bored by the current system and has proposed a ‘Shade-Cam’. This will offer the viewers a chance to have a direct experience of how the players wearing sun-glasses see the game.

3.Disciplines. The IOC thinks poker needs to be spruced up. It has offered two new speed versions of Hold’Em called ‘Fold and Muck, and ‘Raise and Call’. Eyebrows will keep you informed about these potentially record-shattering new variants.

4.The button. The IOC would prefer to see players pass around a baton.

5.Heats. No player can simply ‘buy in’ as that would not gel with the Olympic Sprit (no, not the sponsored one). Everyone will be expected to earn their place at the tables. Players will be subjected to a punishing, round-the-clock ordeal, with some qualifying heats expected to start as early as 5pm.

We at Eyebrows feel it can only be a matter of time before these hurdles are overcome, so we proudly look forward to the day a poker player tops the three-level podium, hears a national anthem and accepts a cheque for a seven-figure sum.