I am a recovering nerd.
I am trying my best to make progress but the road to rehabilitation is long and beset on all sides by the inequities of the elfish and the tyrannies of evil students.
I have tried many methods to erase my nerdiness:
I have listened to gangsta-rap, developed a minor interest in gridiron and have seriously contemplated purchasing a Stadium Pal;
but still I feel stained by my adolescence.
Recovering nerds constantly have to police their thoughts in order to stifle any sign of regression. It is the self monitoring equivalent of kettling - i.e. it batters down any sense of deviancy - but sometimes the ideas cannot be bludgeoned and one's inner nerd temporarily takes over.
Recently I was watching the adaptation of The Da Vinci Code.*
After about seventy minutes I could not shake the notion that I was watching a particularly well-plotted game of Dungeon & Dragons.
Everything seemed to be in place:
the leading characters were dragged along by the plot and their actions made no difference to the outcome;
when seemingly at a loss, they would -
a) discover a hitherto overlooked clue
b) be assisted by a timely intervention from a badly drawn supporting character or,
c) appear to make a "saving throw" against certain death.
The dialogue was worse than the improvised efforts that we shouted when my friends and I wasted far too many weekends sitting around a pool table - Sorry! - anxiously standing guard outside The Crag of Xianworth - wondering how to slay The Crimson Legion (how's that for a Freudian nightmare?) without squashing the Chewits.
If you think that is a bold claim, here is a random selection of lines from the screenplay:
"Yes, and the more penises you have, the higher your rank."
"It is information from a man only known as.........the teacher."
"You, cripple. Put the keystone on the table."
"I've got to get to a library.....Fast."
I know the feeling, Tom.
The more I was exposed to this drivel, the more I felt myself being pulled back to the Forgotten Realms Campaign Guide. My only chance was to seek out knowledge borne of more rational minds,** so I paused the DVD and spent ten minutes reading a newspaper.
By the time I restarted the film I felt sufficiently grounded that I could listen to - "You will not succeed. Only the worthy can unlock the stone." - without suffering an existential spasm.
By the time the DVD finished, I was in a state of inner peace. I had realised it could not have been a Dungeons & Dragons game as the film had a lower sense of character development.
Maybe screenwriter Akiva Goldsman should buy the latest update for the D&D Character Builder.
In bad news for my recovery, it is now number 2 on my wish list.
It has supplanted "shag."
*The post could have ended here and the point would still have been made.
** Note that the nature of this action dooms the recovery to failure. When presented with a challenge to his world view, a nerd takes solace from fact.***
***How many nerds does it take to change a light bulb? Any number, but the change has to be logged in a notebook.****
****Presumably when the effin' light is back on.
