Friday, January 25, 2008

Final Day of the World Poker Open


By winning the World Poker Open at the Gold Strike Casino, Mississippi, ex-collegiate wrestler Brett Faustman has proved himself king of the takedowns. An amateur poker player and family man ‘who talks too much trash’, he can now ‘afford a nice meal’ as he has hauled in $892,413.

He was on vacation and won his entrance fee through a $1000 satellite. By rocketing his way to the final table, he seemed to take his wife by surprise as she was not around to watch his triumph. Although she had trouble with the airlines, Faustman, poker’s newest high flyer, still had a small cheering squad to watch him slam Hoyt Corkins into 2nd place.

The runner up had limped on the button for 80k but Faustman slapped him with a 250k raise. Corkins called and was forced to grapple with a flop of 9-9-3. He was further pinned down by a 280k bet but, after some not inconsiderable mental anguish, he decided to push. When he was called, his rubber ducks were left drowning by his opponent’s QQ. Although his leotard days may be behind him, Faustman could again enjoy a triumph by technical superiority.

Final Standings and Prize Money

1.Brett Faustman - $892,413

2. Hoyt Corkins - $458,267

3. Men Nguyen - $241,193

4. Freddy Deeb - $168,835

5. Gabe Costner - $123,008

6. John Spadavecchia - $96,477

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Day 3 of the World Poker Open


Day 3 of the World Poker Open at the Gold Strike Casino, Tunica, Mississippi, saw the massacre of 21 players to leave a final table of 6, who will later today fight for the 1st prize of $892,413.

Erick Lindgren started the day as chip leader but was left feeling like the Tin Man after his hearts’ flush draw was bypassed and Men Nguyen’s set of queens held firm. Lindgren’s heart failure was soon followed by a fatal error. He pushed on A-7 and was beyond resuscitation when he was called by Nguyen’s A-9. In this event of season six of the WPT, he was stuck, like Jack Bauer, at 24.

After spending Day 2 bravely battling against the forces of alcohol, John ‘The Razor’ Phan, finally heard ‘last orders’ in 22nd place. He probably needed a beer: earlier, he had flipped over AK but it was left under the table by Brian Faustman’s KK.

We knew the names of the six bums on seats when Freedy Deeb eliminated Michael Bass in 7th place. Although he won’t be seated at the final table, Bass can cushion himself with $72,358.

The poker room’s furniture will be occupied from 4pm CT today.

Chip Counts for the Final Table

1. Freddy Deeb - 1,345,000

2. Brett Faustman - 1,282,000

3. Men "The Master" Nguyen - 729,000

4. Gabe Costner - 1,181,000

5. Hoyt Corkins - 395,000

6. John Spadavecchia - 256,000

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

World Poker Open


We get back to business as poker returns to its birthplace of the Mississippi River. The Gold Strike Casino Resort in Tunica, the 21st century’s equivalent of a paddleboat steamer, is currently attracting the sharpers with a 4-day $10,000 event. Appropriately, the author of the book: World Poker Tour – Making the Final Table, Erick Lindgren, is leading the World Poker Open with a stack of 498,000.

Day 2 saw the bubble burst on WeiKai Chang as his 9-6 was mauled by K-9 and the remaining twenty-seven top dogs are now assured of a $12,060 treat. Those still trying to win a lot include the ferocious John ‘The Razor’ Phan, who unleashed a very unpredictable game, seemingly reliant on knocking back the beers.

As he boasted ‘I can get drunk at my job. I really should fire myself. Of course, I think I play better with alcohol’. He proceeded to play almost every hand. His stack fluctuated wildly and he ended the day with a below average count of 169,000 (but with a substantially higher than average blood alcohol content) so we still don’t know what comes first – the beer or the chips.

Day 3 promises more play at 1pm CT and at least one hangover.

Current top ten at the World Poker Open:
1. Erick Lindgren – 498,000

2. Dutch Boyd – 440,000

3. Gabe Costner – 402,000

4. Freddy Deeb – 324,000

5. Men Nguyen – 323,000

6. Barry Greenstein – 280,000

7. William McMahon – 265,000

8. Michael Baas – 247,000

9. John Spadavecchia – 223,000

10. Jimmy Tran – 204,000

Monday, January 21, 2008

GUKPT Leg 1 - Final


Julian ‘Yo-Yo’ Thew can put some more toys in his cupboard after winning the main event of the GUKPT – Leg 1 this morning. The heads up battle had more swings than a school time conker fight, but Karim Louis was the one gazing at his shoelaces when his AQ was left dangling by a 9-6-2-K-3 board and Julian’s 5-5 crowned him king of the yard.

The Nottingham based professional becomes the first player to win two GUKPT trophies and can add £86,800 to the £59,500 he lassoed by winning last year’s event in Plymouth. Today’s triumph also furnishes him with a £3,000 seat for the tour’s Grand Final and an iPod Nano.

As runner up Karim Louis has now notched up three final table finishes in four months, it should not be too long before we see him adding some silverware to his career earnings, today boosted by £46,200.

The next event in the tour will take place in Walsall, week commencing 11th February. As ‘Yo-Yo’ will be tied up (Ed – is he busy walking the dog?), perhaps some more of us will feel cocky enough to come out to play.

Borgata Winter Open


“Put your hair up nice and set up pretty and meet me tonight in Atlantic City”

Poker players with plentiful supplies of hair gel would do well to take Bruce Springsteen’s lyrical advice from the early 80s, as the jewel of New Jersey is currently hosting a WPT Season 6 event. The Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa (‘a fusion of high energy excitement and infinite possibility’) is the venue for a 17 day poker festival which culminates with the Borgata Poker Classic Championship. The tournament begins on January 27 and places are still available for players that can fork out the ten grand buy in.

Last year saw ex-pool hustler John Hennigan clear the tables, beating 570 marks and pocketing $1,606,223. The prize pool was nearly $2m bigger than the previous year’s and, as the WPT continues to grow, we can expect a bigger booty this year.

For those on a more restricted budget, the festival offers plenty of other options. The first event, with a humble $350 buy in, attracted 1649 entrants and generated a $494,700 pool. Top dog was Justin Peckholdt, AKA ‘juice man’ (his inverted commas) who beat his rivals to a pulp and can now pour $93,152 into his thirsty bank account.

The hotel adds to this mouth watering financial temptation by offering comps to suitably cheeky players and by providing unbeatable relaxation. The ‘Spa Toccare’ promises that ‘a new you emerges just in time to wave buh-bye to your worldly cares’. Expect that mission statement to be challenged to the full in the next two weeks by less than relaxed players who have just waved ‘buh-bye’ to their chip stacks.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

First Leg of the GUKPT


It’s an exciting week for British poker players as the first leg of the GUKPT kicked off in Brighton on Monday. Railbirds and soap enthusiasts alike will be wondering if it can build on the success of last year’s rookie season, when former EastEnders heartthrob, turned “Geezer wot was on Celebrity Love Island”, Michael Greco, won a cliff-hanger in Cardiff. His £100,000 scoop splashed poker onto the mainstream news. It also empowered him to the extent that he would never be tempted by offers of televised trips to the outback so millions could watch him being force-fed lizard.

This year, he’ll be hoping the high profile tour attracts plenty of greedy fish mesmerised by the dangling of cash and an exciting new addition. Winners of any tournaments at the ten, nation spanning events will be awarded an ‘invitation only’ seat at a £75,000 ‘Champions of Champions’ extravaganza in December, exact date and venue tbc. The amount of chips that players receive at the beginning will vary, depending on the buy in of the event won, so this particular climax may yet provide conclusive proof that size does matter.

Full GUKPT Details

Leg 1
Brighton
January 14th-20th

Leg 2
Walsall
February 11th-17th

Leg 3
London
March 1st-9th

Leg 4
Manchester
April 21st-27th

Leg 5
Newcastle
May 14th-18th

Leg 6
Luton
August 2nd-10th

Leg 7
Bolton
September 1st-7th

Leg 8
Thanet
October 13th-19th

Leg 9
Blackpool
November 8th-16th

Grand Final
London
November 20th-30th

Helsinki Freezeout


Helsinki is not a city resting on its laurels. Having successfully hosted Finland’s first ever Eurovision Song Contest in 2007, (and who can forget the winning ‘Molitva’, by household legend Marija Serifovic, its three and a half minutes of life-enriching Euro-pop providing a Kennedy assassination moment for a new generation?), the city continued to play its cards right by offering a Hold ‘Em Freezeout tournament at the Grand Casino last week.

The tournament is appropriately named as January often sees brave Helsinkians strolling on the frozen Baltic Sea. Sadly, however, not many tourists decided to break the ice off their wallets, fork out the €2500 entrance fee and sample the intimate delights of the capital’s Christmas street, as the €500,000 event was dominated by Finns, with just one non-national reaching the final table.

In a region dealing up eighteen hours of darkness during the winter months, the last man posting the blinds was J-R Lampila, whose €160, 825 payday now snowballs him to number 73 in the bright lights of the ‘Finland All Time Money List’. For those of you who were left ‘Making Your Mind Up’, it just has to be ‘Nul Points’.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Final Day of the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure


In hindsight, maybe it was always on the cards. ‘Starcraft’ is a game based on resource management, requiring offensive and defensive tactics to win. Ok, poker’s resource is chips, not ‘vespane’ gas and most tournaments don’t feature galactic species called ‘Terrans’, a hive-mind called ‘Zerg’ and ‘Protoss Warriors’, but expertise at inter-galactic warfare was an asset at the final table of the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure.

An ex-master of the ‘Starcraft’ universe, Frenchman Bertrand ‘ElkY’ Grospellier used his tractor beam to haul in the $2m 1st prize and thus conquer The Bahamas.

Regular readers may recall that David ‘The Dragon’ Pham has started the day as odds-on favourite but he fell foul of ElkY’s champion luck. The fire went out in 4th place when The Dragon’s two pair was called on the turn: ElkY flushed on the river and captured the Big Mo.

So, after a gruelling five days, the ‘flop of no return’ came when Hafiz Khan went all in and was quickly called by ElkY’s pocket snowmen. Khan had been rumbled and knew he was headed for bankruptcy. He sheepishly turned over a pitiful 9-3 and ElkY took a tiny step towards poker-world domination.

Final Table Standings and Prize Money

1. Betrand ‘ElkY Grospellier $2,000,000
2. Hafiz Khan $1,094,976
3. Kris Kuykendall $800,000
4. David ‘The Dragon’ Pham $600,000
5. Craig Hopkins $450,000
6. Joe Elpayaa $300,000
7. Christian Harder $200,000
8. Richard Fohrenbach $150,000

Friday, January 11, 2008

Day 4 of the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure


There are exciting times across the water. The day of reckoning is nearly upon us and someone has the Big Mo.

Yes folks, as the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure goes into its final day, David ‘The Dragon’ Pham is flying high and terrifying the other seven remaining players. He displayed his mettle throughout Day 4 by helping thirty-two players to pack their bags and contending with the psychedelic colours of the ‘Tiki Lounge’, which seemed to be hosting a ‘Mr Loud T-Shirt’ competition.

It was Pham who silenced William Thorsen’s cry of ‘all in’ and created the final table. When Thorsen’s pocket fours were upstaged by The Dragon’s rockets on a 66x flop, the Swede went down in flames, although he did manage to land on a fire-smothering cushion of $120,000.

With the primaries now over, the gruelling final day starts at 10am ET. Will The Dragon continue to soar? Tune in tomorrow for a full report of the carnage.

Full Final Table Counts:

David Pham 7,390,000

Bertrand Grospellier 3,060,000

Joe Elpayaa 2,755,000

Haffiz Khan 2,560,000

Kris Kuykendall 2,150,000

Richard Fohrenbach 1,855,000

Craig Hopkins 1,770,000

Christian Harder 905,000

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Supervison and Security


A recent ‘Guardian’ piece explains the term ‘helicopter parents’, so-called because they hover over their children, interfering and directing their lives in a way that would embarrass standard pushy parents.

According to Paul Redmond, Head of Careers at Liverpool University, ‘Several high-profile graduate recruitments have reported incidents where parents have contacted them to negotiate a starting salary. Others have had parents contact them to complain about a ‘child’ who has been overlooked for promotion.

Here are ten other types of parent to look out for:

The Stealth Bomber – Mostly provides undetected parenting, but with little respect for personal boundaries. Can take child by surprise with dropping of emotional nuclear bombs.

The Bus – Open-door parents, whose ‘all-aboard’ attitude is great for the community but sometimes leaves offspring with ‘standing room only’ and hanging on to straps.

Cycle – practical and healthy, less good for intimacy needs. Leaves offspring with confusing ‘you’re on your own’ philosophy and hated by children of ‘cars’.

The Seg-Way – Will spearhead new and innovative approaches to child development, even at the cost of mass ridicule. Can come across as misguided, well-off, hippies who need more sarcastic friends.

Yacht – calm, relaxing parents that provide a stable environment for healthy development but are reliant on outside forces for direction and power.

‘Orse ‘n Cart – plodding, dour parenting, enlivened by the enjoyment of an outdoor lifestyle and a ‘get your finger out’ approach. Tend to produce un-ambitious children with permanently damaged subconscious / nasal passages.

The submarine – patrols offspring unseen, only surfacing at times of great emergency. Sometimes responsible for otherwise inexplicable disappearance of girl / boyfriends.

Coach – no thrills. Delivers children to destination adulthood intact, if with a few stops along the way; but they may feel slightly ill and have a nagging sense of emotional hunger.

Tube - can be efficient but prone to regular breakdowns. Produce competitive kids that are voracious readers but with inability to make eye contact.

Unicycle – Erratic parents whose eccentricity entertains outsiders but they terrorize those in close proximity, i.e. the kids. Prone to changing direction and bruised tibias.

Day 3 of the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure


Want to know if someone is a nerd or an informed poker player?

Today, ask him/her what is so special about the number forty. The nerd will say it’s the only number in the English language that has its letters in alphabetical order; the poker player will tell you it’s the number of entrants still remaining in the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure.

During Day 3, the bubble burst on the 1st tier of the payout structure and 70 players trousered $16,000. By the close of play, a further 10 had bravely shouted ‘all in’, only to find themselves all out. Don’t feel too sorry though: these chip-less wonders were soon revived by the scent of a $24,000 pay-day.

Remaining challengers for the crown will face a couple of hard nights as they try to prise David ‘The Dragon’ Pham’s claws from his 2,003,000 horde. The Vietnamese-American is attempting to snag the $2m 1st prize and add it to the $6m career earnings back at his Californian lair. As he also has two WSOP bracelets, expect him to guard his chip-stack ferociously.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Poker Tournament


Here’s a dilemma for you: you’re a poker player, it’s a New Year and you have gorged your way through the holidays. It’s time for change. It’s time to embrace all 2008 has to offer.

Do you a) add your coin to the pond of good intentions and join a gym, vowing 2008 will feature more probiotics;

or b) follow in the footsteps of Christopher Columbus and set sail for The Bahamas, pony up the $8k entrance fee for the Pokerstars Caribbean Adventure and try to conquer your way to the first prize booty of $2m?

Hmm… a treadmill or a venue called Paradise Island…..

Yep, on Jan 5, 1,136 players decided to forego the allure of the gym and went back to work at the Atlantis Resort and Casino, a place where the waters are as enchanting as AK suited.

After two days of intense flopping, only 153 are not lounging by the pool. Currently top of the coconut tree and least likely to be sipping cocktails is ex-IT worker Eric “Rizen” Lynch, He has draped his towel on a seat at the final table by amassing a chip stack of 526,900. In 2nd place, with 435,000, is ex-Starcraft player, Frenchman Bertrand Grospellier. With 120 getting paid, there are still three days until sun-set.

Keep watching this space and pumping that iron!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Party Politics


Here's a quotation from a politician:


'He possesses a pleasant manner, is nice looking and does the right things, in the right way - what more is required?'


It's from the 30s.


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Divine Intervention


This is lifted from The Guardian and therefore supports the suggestion that blogging is a parasitic activity, but I couldn't resist posting it.


It's a comment from Jay Jay Okocha, on his transfer from Bolton to Hull City:


"I always ask God if it's his will and, if so, then let it be. That's the message I got and that's why I am at Hull City."

Saturday, December 01, 2007

There's One Caught Every Minute


Cheats, eh? You gotta love ‘em: they provide a wonderful boost for supporters of the idea that the world changes but human nature remains the same.


Poker has always attracted them. Marked cards, labeled ‘advantage tools’, were advertised in newspapers (presumably not in the ‘Sporting Goods’ section). The more adventurous might progress to ‘Lazy Tongues’. These wonderfully cranky contraptions were inserted in the sharper’s sleeve and could whisk away unwanted cards and substitute aces. Unfortunately, if the lever was pressed at the wrong time, the tongue could punch the mark in the gut as they were shaking hands.


Years on and cheats still provide belly laughs. Sholem J. Weisner, 26, of Brooklyn, New York, has recently been rumbled using advantage tools in the Mohegan Sun Casino during a game of Texas hold ‘em.


Poker won’t miss him: it’s difficult to achieve legendary status if you can’t detect the security differences between a modern casino and a paddle boat frothing up the Mississippi in the 1840s.

Caught in his hotel room with $55,000, the not-so-sharper is charged with cheating, larceny and criminal trespass. He was available neither for comment nor for a part in Ocean’s 14.

Payback Poker


You’re at the poker table, raking in pots. You’re cool, sophisticated and you swing in your chair, secure in the knowledge that you’re the best there.

You call a raise and see another flop. Ah, the perfect double date: KQ, top two. Check to the raiser. Pot sized bet? Pah! Let’s go all in. He calls, the action blurs and the money ships to him. He had pocket jacks and caught a third rogue on the river. The pigeon, ‘madforit17’, types ‘lucky me’ in the chat. His shirt is probably Hawaiian. Your light goes out, the world turns, the game moves on, you’ve read ‘em and wept.

Annoyed? There might be an outlet for those feelings of injustice, one that does not involve a complicated revenge fantasy and ravenous penguins.


Last weekend saw the first ‘scalp’ tournament at the Paddy Power Irish Open. Players prepared to pony up the €330 entrance fee earned a €30 bounty every time they busted an opponent. It’s an exciting new development, already picked up by online poker. Just when the fish thought it was safe to return to the river: Poker II: The Scalp – This Time It’s Personal.

Check Out


It’s all happening in Australia. Someone is changing jobs. But who? Here’s a clue:


Writer Nelson Algren suggests ‘Never play cards with a man named Doc’. Well, we need to include a man with a nametag that states, ‘Hi, I’m Darren - I’m happy to help you’.

Darren Booth, a 19 year old, part time supermarket worker, has gone from bags to riches by wheeling away the $91,000 1st prize in the Adelaide Hold ‘em championship at the Skycity casino.


He won his share of the $340,000 pool, beating a smattering of TV known pros, including 2005 WSOP winner, Aussie Joe Hachem. Impressed? It gets better - he had to win his seat by playing regional tournaments.


As Hatchem gushed, ‘It is fantastic that a young man, playing his first tournament, triumphs’

The shelf stacker started playing poker only recently, so his game was unblemished by crippling fears of outrageous breaches of probability. (Ed – too much personal pain.) He even had the humility to return to work the next day, but his future will surely amount to more than a stack of beans. It could be fame, fortune and his own Wikipedia page. Australia heralds a new dawn.

The Man Everyone's Watching


Guess who’s back?


Yes, that’s right, you got it, it’s former US Senator Alfonse D’Amato!


Since being prised from the US taxpayer’s payroll, he’s developed various ways of keeping his tonsils in the limelight, so it was no surprise he found the media when at the recent Vegas Global Gaming Expo trade show. It takes a certain type of personality to attract attention when surrounded by must-have consumer goodies showcased in America’s playground but, boy is Alf the man!


Bravely speaking against the advice of his spin doctor, he said he expects online poker to be reinstated in its US homeland by 2009.


Don’t want to hold your breath? Neither did the ex-Senator. His blether continued and hinted that imminent sanctions by the World Trade Organisation would shovel on the pressure to Congress to fold their unpopular anti-online gaming hand.


Word, words, words as Hamlet would have it. But wait! Alfonso is not just about boosting his media profile. Oh dearie me, no. He’s the political poster boy of the Poker Players’ Alliance and lobbies for legislation of its favourite card game. With camera conscious Alf in our corner, the Senate’s loss could yet be poker’s gain.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Once in a Lifetime or Every Tea-time


Let’s make sure London leaves a proper lasting legacy after the 2012 Olympics. So far, the logo has been mocked and the stadium labelled functional and boring. We need to create an event to give the worldwide audience a taste of what it’s like to live in this great city in the 21st century.

The marathon won’t suffice. Yes, it highlights the architecture but the streets are cordoned off. It’s like looking at the lycra kit without the athlete or a wallet without the cash and cards. It cannot convey the psychology of the city. We need something else.

To have an event recognised by the IOC, it must promote ‘a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity.’ Perfect. Let’s nominate a walk during central London’s rush hour. What activity better fits the Olympic motto of ‘Faster, Higher, Stronger?’

With a speed that would have participants sectioned in the countryside, it will give spectators a true, bustling, taste of London. TV helicopter shots could capture this flowing beauty, a site to rival the Tour De France’s peloton in full flow.

Competitors are awarded points for assertiveness, aesthetic merit and self-absorption. Judges will also look for the maintenance of an impassive, uninterested facial expression.
Athletes will have to combine pace with intuitive grace as they slide their shoulders away from incoming people and trudge ever forward. Coaches can train competitors to accept a free newspaper without losing momentum. Points are deducted if the walk is briefly interrupted and Olympians go toe to toe with any ‘tutting’ males.

Athletes will then reach the tube line having performed disciplines such as cancelling a tai-chi class and carrying a skinny latte raised over the head, a cardboard beacon to the Olympian ideal. Bonus points are available on the downward escalator for recognising flirtation, awareness of advertising and tipping buskers whilst staving off a category five panic attack.

By the end of their ordeal, the competitors will have a far greater understanding of London life. It would generate a better legacy than any commerative coin. If the Dutch sport Korfball can be recognised as an Olympic event partly because it guarantees a ‘full range of intense emotion’, I feel we are onto a winner. Inspired by Beijing’s slogan of ‘Light the Passion, Share the Dream’, we could offer ‘Fight the Crowds, Share the Tension’. With only 1708 days to go, it’s time to start lobbying.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ugly Matters

‘Modern culture in crisis’: ‘the world is becoming ugly’, claims this month’s Ecologist magazine so I tossed it onto the shop floor and reached for Playboy. After fourteen minutes, I felt a growing sense of desensitisation so I retrieved the green magazine: it had stuck to the gum on my unlaced trainers. As my credit card was swiped, I felt good about myself and left the shop, ready for some brisk, fresh, air-conditioning. The mall was my oyster.

I was instantly reminded of my need for coffee and the cafes were a mere escalator ride away. Latte and ecology, enjoyed in a man-made biosphere: what could be better?

According to The Ecologist, quite a lot. Four pages are devoted to examples of ugliness. Some are predictable - fake tans and bagged salad - others are personal and poetic – ‘I feel ugly when I tread on a snail’- and then there is this one -

‘People. There are somewhere in the region of 6 and half billion of them, 60m in this country alone, barely sentient, clogging up the roads in their metal contraptions, obsessed with celebrity and fashion, constantly looking to fulfil their every want and fantasy by seeking a new high or craving sex (which frankly just results in more of them) and burning up resources like they were infinite. I’m sure some of them have utility but I would do away with most of them if I could.’

- which is either superbly sarcastic, or written by someone struggling to have his intimacy needs met by animal fur. You decide.

Inspired by the depressing article, here are my suggestions:

Nodding in agreement at a piece of reported speech, then reading ‘says Ann Widdecombe’.

Walking past a gym on a beautiful day and seeing people inside, on running machines, listening to iPods.

Waking up the morning after the night before, slowly becoming aware of the extent of film on my teeth and then discovering the remnants of onion rings on my lower molar

Shop fronts forced to deploy corrugated iron, which is then daubed with the graffiti of hatred.

Bad tempered, aggressive dogs – ever since I read a theory suggesting pets represent the owner’s inner child.

Unwashed pillows - a stark reminder of the drool that seeps out during sleep and our capacity to adversely affect the environment, even when deprived of consciousness

Maybe I should delete pillows soaked in spit, as I’m powerless to stop it. Real ugliness, brutally exposed by our animal loving friend, is neglect of responsibility – to oneself, to others, to the planet. It is depressing, but there is hope. Appalled by some consumer monstrosities, many readers are fighting back. They are angry at the depth of neglect. They are not allowing themselves to become detached and are acting within their communities. They are forcing change.

One reader had an opposite experience of a village in Southern Sudan. It had been heavily bombed and the women had lost their men. When the village was blitzed again, and they were told news of the fatalities, the women’s eyes remained lustreless, like shoppers on a day lacking must-have bargains. They displayed more concern for their flowers and livestock. The exposure to trauma had left them emotionally detached and their empathy for human life obliterated. They felt powerless.

Looking around at the mess in the food hall, (note my lack of action) I was reminded that plenty of filmmakers have suggested that shopping malls and suburbia can turn people into dispassionate blobs, who slowly lose their belief that they can be agents for change. It’s desensitisation by design. By contrast, ugliness can generate an energising response, one to be appreciated before it is bombed or brain-washed out of us.

Dispassion has helped create a bi-polar attitude. The Sudanese village women cherished the environment, with little regard to the life of the individual. The west cherishes the life of the individual with too little regard for the environment. For the developed world, it is as if the earth has become humanity’s Dorian Gray picture, its ignored decay a consequence of the belief that one can stem off the physical symptoms of the ageing process. (‘Because you are worth it’, remember?)

When presented with his picture of physical and moral ugliness, Dorian (‘a man with a wild terror of dying and yet indifferent to life itself’) tries to stab the painting and kills himself in the process. That could yet happen here.

In the nineties, an urban myth suggested Mc Donalds had developed plans to project its mighty ‘M’ logo onto the full moon, thus enlightening six billion hungry (some of them dangerously so) consumers of the corporation’s heavily salted produce. It is a shame that particularly ugly idea didn’t reach fruition. Maybe we would have gazed at our Dorian Gray picture without resorting to the knife. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, even those of us gazing at the stars might have been forced to acknowledge the stench forming in the gutter below.