Leading bosses in the heroin sector pledged yesterday to revolutionise their business to become a “leader in helping to create a low-carbon economy” with a host of drastic measures to help fight climate change.
Traditionally workers in the heroin field have worked in a pyramid organisation with low levels of respect for co-workers so it is a measure of their growing concern that the new proposals will provide changes from top to bottom.
An Edinburgh heroin dealer, Mickey Johnstone, said “I mainly deal with cotton shooters and consumers who have chicken shit habits so we intend to encourage needle share programs and advise against wasteful practices such as firing the ack-ack gun.”
“Providing H wrapped in foil and in a bag is a reckless waste of the earth’s resources and it will now be served in a pre-packed state, thus limiting the amount our consumers send to land fill. We also intend to offer a discount to anyone who brings the bag from their last score and by 2010 we will refuse to provide to consumers who do not have their own bag. This will help us identify our habitual customers and then we will be satisfied we are local traders”
Mazar-e-Sharif, an Afghan poppy farmer, commented “We will spearhead a campaign to sell to nearby countries as, due to recent events, we have found a growing demand for our product from the people of Iraq. Although this particular market cannot command the same price for our merchandise - our transportation costs, as well as our carbon output, are lessened, so hopefully we can enjoy the same flow of profit.”
“Due to a better than expected poppy crop we can also re-invest some capital and we plan to increase our long term bribery incentives in Europe. Having widely penetrated law enforcement in Iraq and Afghanistan with a bribe level of 10-25% we have produced a business model for 25% bribe penetration in the western markets. This should have a beneficial effect in the community by promoting cohesion and security as it reduces police attention from our product and thus lessens fuel emissions and paper consumption.”
In an emailed statement from the heart of The Golden Triangle, Kim Van Phoung, a Savannakhet chemist, announced “Ever since the invasion of Vietnam, we have profited too much from war torn areas and the availability of mass transportation. Although some of the more potentially traumatising effects of climate change may, in the short term, produce a surge in demand from consumers keen to obliterate memories of devastation, we know this will not be sustainable in the long term.”
“Therefore, by the warmer years of 2040, we are aiming to move away from areas of conflict and develop markets locally. This will greatly lesson our carbon footprint and will help to produce a more consistent high, a jacking-up experience the user will want to repeat.”
“Our slogan: Heroin and Climate Change – It’s The Way We Will See It Through”
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