A Battle for the Soul

I am a recovering nerd.

I am trying my best to make progress but the road to rehabilitation is long and beset on all sides by the inequities of the elfish and the tyrannies of evil students.

I have tried many methods to erase my nerdiness:

I have listened to gangsta-rap, developed a minor interest in gridiron and have seriously contemplated purchasing a Stadium Pal;

but still I feel stained by my adolescence.

Recovering nerds constantly have to police their thoughts in order to stifle any sign of regression. It is the self monitoring equivalent of kettling - i.e. it batters down any sense of deviancy - but sometimes the ideas cannot be bludgeoned and one's inner nerd temporarily takes over.

Recently I was watching the adaptation of The Da Vinci Code.*

After about seventy minutes I could not shake the notion that I was watching a particularly well-plotted game of Dungeon & Dragons.

Everything seemed to be in place:

the leading characters were dragged along by the plot and their actions made no difference to the outcome;

when seemingly at a loss, they would -

a) discover a hitherto overlooked clue

b) be assisted by a timely intervention from a badly drawn supporting character or,

c) appear to make a "saving throw" against certain death.

The dialogue was worse than the improvised efforts that we shouted when my friends and I wasted far too many weekends sitting around a pool table - Sorry! - anxiously standing guard outside The Crag of Xianworth - wondering how to slay The Crimson Legion (how's that for a Freudian nightmare?) without squashing the Chewits.

If you think that is a bold claim, here is a random selection of lines from the screenplay:

"Yes, and the more penises you have, the higher your rank."

"It is information from a man only known as.........the teacher."

"You, cripple. Put the keystone on the table."

"I've got to get to a library.....Fast."

I know the feeling, Tom.

The more I was exposed to this drivel, the more I felt myself being pulled back to the Forgotten Realms Campaign Guide. My only chance was to seek out knowledge borne of more rational minds,** so I paused the DVD and spent ten minutes reading a newspaper.

By the time I restarted the film I felt sufficiently grounded that I could listen to - "You will not succeed. Only the worthy can unlock the stone." - without suffering an existential spasm.

By the time the DVD finished, I was in a state of inner peace. I had realised it could not have been a Dungeons & Dragons game as the film had a lower sense of character development.

Maybe screenwriter Akiva Goldsman should buy the latest update for the D&D Character Builder.

In bad news for my recovery, it is now number 2 on my wish list.

It has supplanted "shag."

*The post could have ended here and the point would still have been made.

** Note that the nature of this action dooms the recovery to failure. When presented with a challenge to his world view, a nerd takes solace from fact.***

***How many nerds does it take to change a light bulb? Any number, but the change has to be logged in a notebook.****

****Presumably when the effin' light is back on.