Stop Press!

Eyebrows is honoured to have a guest contributor!

Joey Barton, the recently re-bailed critic and professional footballer, continues his annual appraisal of the summer books.

Here, he offers his insights on the publishing event of the year, the release of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows*'.

Without further ado, Joey - from the 'ead, son:

"I was a kid. I went to school. It had magic and I had adventures. Here are my books."

So there we have it.

Frank Lampard, writer, home movie enthusiast and weight-watcher, was not available for comment as he refused to leave the comfort of the bathroom cabinet.

We had arranged to have the thoughts of David James, artist, model and environmental activist, but, unfortunately, there was an incident in his local Waterstone's which has left him hospitalised. Trying to bypass the queue, his son threw him a copy of the hardback from the corner of the shop and the player is now receiving treatment for a suspected fractured metatarsal.

In an ironic twist, he is unable to read the book during his hospital stay as medical staff have strapped his hands in an attempt to limit any further injury.

*Any readers who suspect this suspiciously timed post is a cynical attempt to increase the blog's Google hits are hereby accused of not learning the moral lessons of the HARRY POTTER series, written by J.K ROWLING, and adapted into films starring DANIEL RADCLIFFE.