Inspired by the shenanigans at a friend's recent wedding, I've attempted to offer a selection of tracks that cause the men to hit the dance floor en masse. Normally we lurk around the periphery, reluctant to indulge in frivolities, but there are certain numbers that tend to cause some primeval movement in the hips and leave us valiantly attempting to decimate the dance floor.
Let's start with one that is not too demanding on the male hip: Hotel California by the Eagles. After all, the wedding probably has one person who is tiffany twisted and there will be some dancing to forget.
(It is a great regret of mine that I am yet to attend a wedding which plays the version by the Gypsy Kings , a cover that was used for the 'Da Jesus' scene in The Big Lebowski. An image of certain male guests trying to replicate its ball polishing action would enhance many a wedding album.)
Irresistibility rating: 5/10. Possibly only guarantees movement from men who normally wear lumberjack tops open over t-shirts
Chance of women leaving the dance floor: 6/10. Even the bride would struggle to look good dancing to this
Strutting potential: 3/10 (Potential for ambling in the middle of the dance floor looking simple 7/10)
Opportunity to hug a man and call him bro: 2/10 – it provides an arm's length experience for those in their comfort zone
Next on our playlist is one destined to get those arms closer together: We are the Champions by Queen. A real favourite of the karaoke and the terraces, it almost guarantees an image of the best man that could hang proudly on the walls on any ear, nose and throat department.
Irresistibility rating: 8/10. Dance floor will fill with: any male who has ever kicked a ball, ordered cable TV or sliced a particularly troublesome portion of brie.
Chance of women leaving the dance floor: 6/10. Usually one to observe and snigger at, although women may feel secretly intrigued if their beau is not joining in.
Strutting potential: 4/10 (Swaying potential: 19/20)
Opportunity to hug a man and call him bro: 7/10 because 'we are the.......' No, let's move on.
From a festival of waving we now chug to a classic of calypso, one that isn't for those who don't dig loud music (man) – The Banana Boat Song. If it is played at any wedding, it peels back the layers of self consciousness and gets everyone roaring, even those people whose surnames have apostrophes. It also prevents this post looking suspiciously like the track-list from Guitar Hero.
Irresistibility rating: 9/10 – we are powerless against the desire to scream 'Daaaaay-O'. After this, the vocal chords of the earlier speech-givers are often severely strained.
Chance of women leaving the dance floor: 1/10 – the urge to test the venue's acoustics is stimulated in both genders
Strutting potential: 6/10 (assuming the organisers hide the deadly black tarantula)
Opportunity to hug a man and call him bro: 6/10 – (time to tally the bananas)
From dockers working the night shift we now move to the union strikes, for it is time to celebrate that triumph of hope over despair that is best played in an opulent mansion: Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer.
Irresistibility rating: 9/10. Although Gina works the diner all day, Tommy's got his six string in hock. I mean, come on!
Chance of women leaving the dance floor: 6/10. Hard to feel loved during this level of male bonding.
Strutting potential: 1/10. While Tommy's down on his luck, the dance floor is declared a swagger free zone.
Opportunity to hug a man and call him bro: 1000/1000. If you are male and your shoulder isn't clasped by a firm hand during this song you may need to consider having your chromosomes tested.
You see, floor fillers aimed at the X-Y community tend to be either tracks that celebrate the forging of the solid bonds that enable the tribe to triumph together, or pieces that urge plucky underdogs to stick it to The Man.
In the latter category, the undisputed top dog is Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. It is, as one comment on YouTube puts it, 'metal up your ass.'
(Drunk guests that are already considering the floor as an appealing resting place may prefer the cover by Frank Bruno.)
Irresistibility rating: 6/10 (unless the venue has a high stage with plenty of steps, then it becomes 10/10.)
Chance of women leaving the dance floor: 7/10 (particularly if some male guests start to believe that they are in a Siberian log cabin and begin to skip.)
Strutting potential: 10/10 – they stack the odds 'til we take to the street
Opportunity to hug a man and call him bro: 4/10 – it doesn't feel appropriate to seek male affection while another guy sings 'we kill with the skill to survive.'
And now, just before the community is united by New York, New York, it is time for me to kick back and leave you attempting to work out which is the best track that, when played at a wedding, guarantees swaying scrota.
PS – although I couldn't find the best version (apparently YouTube has deleted it) this is still pretty good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qFRN_0qtmc
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