Liberty is so Twentieth Century

The Daily Telegraph is unhappy that the UK’s first identity card for sixty years does not contain the union flag or any mention of the word Britain. For something that will be used as a proof or residence, it is a shame, say the campaigners, that there are not more symbols of Britishness.

It is not the first time that the identity card scheme has provoked hostility. Other critics have suggested that the cards will erode civil liberties, do nothing to combat terrorism and will cause friction within communities. The cards have also been beset by soaring cost problems.

It would appear that the government has missed a trick.

Instead of forcing foreign nationals to carry this new polycarbonate document, why not thrust a HMG affinity card in their wallets instead?

Affinity cards are a type of credit card that donates an amount to the organisation every time the consumer uses it to make a transaction, so the immigrant would soon be contributing to the economy. The cards would more than pay for themselves. They could even be issued with a pre-paid level of debt which the recipient would be expected to pay back, preferably before accruing interest. Think about it.

If every one of the affinity cards came saddled with a five grand debt, it would cement community relations because anyone new to these shores would be in the same boat as a sizable proportion of the populace. Any subsequent benefit claim could simply be added on.

Moreover, what better way to defang anti-Western terrorists than by granting them high-street spending powers? If the government insisted that new arrivals are expected to purchase a HD-ready TV in the first three months of their occupancy, any firebrands would soon be more concerned with anti-aging balms.

After the immigrant’s first year, the government could perform spot checks to gauge the level of naturalization: applicants could be termed British as soon as they are spotted waiting in a shopping queue, drooling over the sweets by the till.

HMG equity cards are the way forward.

There is still a suggestion that they might erode civil liberties, but who cares?

We don’t need the union flag to denote Britishness. We’ll just tag on some Nectar points.