We Know and Love

As we promised, we are going to kick-start this blog’s content with an overview of Texas Hold ‘em. However, conscious that our site has some reasonably well informed individuals, we will also provide some alternative definitions for those who, over the years, have had their faith in the immutable laws of probability eroded to such an extent that the mere mention of a coin-flip causes them to gnash their teeth and pound the table.

Anyway, enough of the personal pain, here are the basics:

Texas Hold ‘em: a community card game. Players use any combination of two hole cards and five community cards to make the best hand.

Or: Other players use any combination of luck and poor judgement to pull their best hand out of their ass.

Hole cards: two face down cards, dealt before the flop used as the foundation of any hand in Hold ‘em.

Or: cards that can cruelly raise your expectations and instantly erase the memory of the stack-busting disaster that happened a mere ten minutes ago.

The Flop: three face up community cards dealt after a round of betting. A round of betting ensues.

Or: the Poker Gods’ first betrayal. A round of cursing ensues.

The turn: The fourth community card is slapped on the table. More betting.

Or: Ever heard of a method of execution called ‘Hung, Drawn and Quartered?’ We’ll leave to work out which stage the turn card represents. More weeping (than the average execution).

The river: The fifth and final communal card arrives in heart-breaking fashion on the felt.

Or: akin to the moment in the film Alien when John Hurt is attacked by a hitherto unseen face-hugger.

Showdown: the moment, after a final round of betting, when players reveal the true strength of their hands.

Or: the moment, after a final round of asset stripping, when players reveal their faith in blind luck. At this point, even rational players are susceptible to outlandish suggestions about how to improve their chances. Before taking up Hold ‘em, I had only ever sacrificed one goat. I now live on a mountain in the mist, surrounded by stone arches.