Opening Lines

Today’s page from The Writer’s block is about opening lines. Apparently, editors often use the ‘Airport Test’ on manuscripts – if you read the opening line in an airport bookshop, would you buy the book before boarding the plane?

It offers one from a master of the art:

‘The decision to bomb the office of the radical Jew lawyer was reached with relative ease.’ (The Chamber, by John Grisham).
It then suggests picking five of your favourite novels to see if they pass the airport test. Instead, I’ve picked my favourite novel, two that I didn’t finish, the book I’m currently reading and a classic. See if you can classify them.

Dame Agnes de Mordaunt was sitting in the window of her chamber, looking out over the garden of the House of Mary at Clerkenwell.

We – the five Roman Catholics – were walking back from the bus stop up the drive to school, fresh from Mass, when Barrowsmith and four or five of his Neanderthals started chanting ‘Papist Dogs’ and ‘Fenian traitors’ at us.

The sun rose up from behind the concrete of the block of flats opposite, beaming straight into their faces.

I address these lines – written in India – to my relatives in England.

‘And don’t forget’, my father would say, as if he expected me at any moment to up and leave to seek my fortune in the wide world, ‘whatever you learn about people, however bad they turn out, each one of them has a heart, and each one of them was once a tiny baby sucking his mother’s milk...’

Scripting and Drifting - Day 6

Yesterday, I hit the wall.

I spent the whole of the afternoon reading the paper and a history book, before having a few drinks in the evening, then watching The Darjeeling Limited for inspiration.

This happens to me a lot during the writing process and I suspect I’m not alone: James Joyce was once found by a friend - the author was slumped over his keyboard.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘I’ve only managed seven words today’

‘Well, at least you have got seven’

‘Yes, but I’m not sure I have them in the right order’

Anyway, back down in the world of a wannabe hack, the problems are proliferating. Standard advice is to get out and seek ideas, that there is no such thing as a writer’s block and that any strain is simply a sign that you need further stimulation.

I agree – it is great advice – however, when you hit the wall, it often provokes thoughts of self-doubt, strips you of motivation and leaves you surrendering to the call of the couch which ultimately, of course, increases your self-loathing.

There are so many problems with the script that the answers will not come easily.

Here is a quick check list:

1. The set up is too long.
2. The hero is passive.
3. The actions of the government are unexplained.
4. The hero disappears from the page.
5. There is a huge hole in the narrative.
6. The characterisation doesn’t thoroughly explore survival guilt nor effectively portray a paranoid schizophrenic.
7. The plot is too similar to the Cormac McCarthy novel The Road which has been filmed and is released in November.

Only seven problems, you say?

I’m not sure I have them in the right order.

Scripting and Drifting - Day 5

This time, I managed to stray outside of my postal code.

I made it as far as the cafe at Tate Britain, which is a twenty minute bus ride away from the flat.

The script is developing more problems so I thought that a little more physical effort might stimulate the brain but unfortunately it didn't work very well.

Ironically, I received some sympathetic background: the Neoclassical gallery is currently hosting Work No.850 by Martin Creed.

Every thirty seconds, a different person will sprint, as fast as they can, through the gallery.

It begins at 2pm.

I arrived at 11.30 and was presented with an empty gallery so I had to descend to the coffee shop without seeing 'the beauty of human movement in its purest form.'

It wasn't in the basement either.

It is possible that the novelist Tim Lott was sitting opposite me - I like to think that he spotted the lap-top and nodded with sympathy when he clocked my idea-free face, but it was probably just some weekend dad wishing he was at Lord's.

After I had finished I spotted a series of leaflets, encouraging visitors to view art in different ways. Each one is a sequence of works that someone has picked to reflect states of mind.

I picked 'The I'm Hungover Collection' - I wasn't, but it was the most appropriate as it wasn't a 'rainy day', I don't (particularly) 'like yellow' and I haven't just split up.

I just needed to be mentally ushered around without any thoughts about whether or not I was doing the right thing - a common feeling after sixty minutes of script-writing.

The idea of the leaflets is to inspire visitors to 'create your own collection'. Each should contain six pieces of art and a story that links them.

I urge you to have a go. For the hangover collection, the links were so tenuous that my faith in anyone's ability to create a story has been chiseled away.

Time - 55 mins.

Word Count - 800+ - The Lott Effect

New Ideas - 1 - an infusion tea called Gunpowder green

Overall Rating as a Writing Environment - 5/10

Scripting and Drifting - Day 4

I took a day off.

I needed to think through a problem with the script (there are many) so instead of writing I hit the manuals.

I unearthed a gem. It didn't help me solve the problem but it is a great warning about trying to say too much.

The multi-talented Albert Brooks did a series of skits in the seventies for Saturday Night Live.

One of these was a trailer for a movie-of-the-week called Black Vet.

It showed a black actor messing around with animals in the clinic - but, he also had past in the army:

Black Vet: He's a veteran and a veterinarian!

There goes one of my characters.

(From: Save the Cat - Blake Snyder)

Scripting and Drifting - Day 3

Well, I managed a great achievement yesterday, as I found myself at a venue even closer to my home than the local pub or Cafe Nero.

The cinema bar/cafe is a mere 35-40 yards from my home and so it represents a disturbing trend, one that could easily suggest the slow contraction of agoraphobia.

Again, I feel the need to defend myself by arguing that circumstances were not conducive to a trip further afield as I had to fit the screenplay in after the poker blog and before a game of badminton.

At the very least, I thought the place would be inspiring. Its lobby is full of quotations from some of my favourite films - quick challenge - name the film -

'Have you got the Duke?'

I had to conceive a scene taking place in a deserted loch followed by a chase to a cottage. The incessant Abba music, pumped out to promote the release of Mamma Mia! didn't really help.

(Two Dancing Queens Only £10!!!!)

(It's a cocktail)

When Fernando came on, I was heavily distracted by memories of playing California Games on the Mega-Drive as a kid. It featured a rodeo section and the player had to ride a bull, the most docile of which was called Ferdinand, who loped around the ring trying to remember his more testosterone fuelled days.

The cinema was also offering a lunchtime mother 'n baby screening and so I was the only adult customer boasting a Y-chromosome. There were some smaller people flaunting their maleness but they were all distracted by the sensory pleasures available to them and were impressing all of the available female talent with their ability to gurgle 'n burp.

By comparison, I felt like Ferdinand.

Time - 60 mins.

Word Count - 600+

New Ideas - none. (Times I wish I could wow women by going ga-ga - 4)

Overall Rating as a Writing Environment - 6/10 (Free wi-fi a bonus but also a distraction)

Scripting and Drifting - Day 2

It was a huge success.

Such was the impact of driving rain and heavy roadworks that my bold adventure to step into the unknown and examine the effect of different environments on the creative process got as far as, er, the local Cafe Nero.

It is even closer to the flat than The Alex.

Ok, ok, ok.

I know you are probably reading this and thinking: this guy is a joke - all he is going to discover is that people don't stray too far from home unless they have incentives.

And, yes, it is distinctly possible that this will prove beyond reasonable doubt that I am a true postal code person and that that realization will cause the onset of a serious depression that will leave me bed-ridden for the remainder of the noughties.

However, in mitigation, I have to state that it was a particularly chaotic day. I had to queue at the sorting office and I lost a Word document with the day's completed poker blog. Auto-recover decided to have a few laughs.

Because I was so crap yesterday, I would love to report that Nero was an ideal location to type a script.

I had to move from my first seat as a couple of blokes were about to sand the wall. The only remaining spec was by the disabled toilet.

Minutes later, it transpired that the able-bodied(?) toilets were out of order and there was heavy traffic to my seat.

Every time the door to the toilet opened, I was treated to a waft of organic waste.

The plumbing needed inspecting and so a host of unqualified people came to swing the door around, spreading the stench and driving me potty.

(Sorry)

I suspect the rain, the roadworks, the lost doc and the shit were my punishment for criticising Coldplay.

Time - 65 mins.

Word Count - 800+ (I was stunned by the total)

New Ideas - 1. The post-apocalyptic world would feature people using face masks.....

Overall rating as a writing environment - 4/10.

Overall rating as a smell based fetish club - 9/10.

Scripting and Drifting – Day 1

Welcome to a new daily post.

I have the opportunity to develop a screenplay from an outline given to me by a contact.

Every afternoon, I intend to leave the comfort of the flat and write for at least an hour.

However, every location has to be different.

These posts will reflect the experience of writing in each setting. Hopefully it will be an exercise that illustrates how the creative process works and not an additional cause for procrastination.

I also hope that my commitment to a daily post will help my discipline. The first draft has to be completed by July 31^st - at the moment I'm about halfway through writing the treatment.

So, my first experiment with toddling happened yesterday and I didn't choose the most awkward of locations because I didn't get any further than the local.

I walked into The Alex, opposite Clapham Common tube at 2.40, and doubled the amount of customers.

It is a large Irish bar, popular with Aussies and Kiwis, partly because it has at least 6 tvs, all showing sport. Even in the middle of the afternoon, it was impossible to escape Sky Sports News.

I deliberately picked a pub because I needed to write a scene that takes place inside one and, as the screenplay is set in a post-apocalyptic future, I hoped to soak up the loneliness of afternoon drinking.

Unfortunately, my mental state was focussed but not inspired.

For the first 30 minutes, my ears were subject to Coldplay but the situation approved slightly when the track Dancing in the Moonlight blurted through.

I hate the song.

However, it brought back memories of a particularly ill-judged email I sent to a female colleague and thus made me think of how images in film can transform even the most dreadful music into a hair-raising memory.

I won't suggest Dancing....let's not go nuts......but I need to open my mind, although I will be stunned if we can produce the transformative effect achieved by David Chase when he filmed the climax of The Sopranos to Journey's Don't Stop Believing.

The pub was later enlivened by two aging Irish couples who were experiencing the venue, if not its raison d'etre, for the first time.

They were natural storytellers. For them, talk was free and easy but, unlike many who share the same conversational approach, they left the listener feeling in their debt.

Their topics could have been drawn from the tombola at a village fete in Ennis and they all had a look which suggested they had won big at the bat-a-rat stall.

They got a lot from the bric-a-brac hanging from the pub's ceiling – more, indeed, than me. That was a lesson – I had become too distracted by the artificially whitened teeth on tv and not the pre-industrial revolution tools that adorn the walls.

So, how productive was it?

Time – 90 mins

Word Count – 500+

New ideas – 1. A mishap with an overhead fan.

Overall rating as a writing environment: 6/10.

Stimulating due to adornments but writer was tempted to have a beer and MOR music was stifling.